Bye, Bye, Bye! The JDL Midseason Power Rankings

Contrary to what people may think, the JOURNEYMEN offices never close.

While the rest of the world spends their weekend making instagram collages of sunsets or shotgunning beers on their back porch, the eager interns at J-MEN take no breaks. Sports is life at this site, and anyone who says otherwise gets a solid paddling.

And, while YES, our staff sometimes barely manage to crank out any material whatsoever, (leading most people to the belief that we were bought out by Google.) that sound you hear isn’t radio silence. On the contrary. It’s actually the sound of Raul and Phillip and Simone holed up in the back, researching sports and entertainment leads that will at some point blow your face off.

That’s why when Week 7 rolled around I was surprised and disappointed to receive an official correspondence from the NFL Corporate Office. Just as we were finalizing a killer JDL Week 6 recap, the No Fun League issued what amounted to a cease and desist order to myself, my staff, and all four of our adorable company-owned pets. I won’t bore you with the legalese, but in so many words Roger Goodell and his sad-sack cronies instituted a Bye Week Mandate, preventing us from doing any work whatsoever for almost an entire fortnight.

As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with the team. Petitions were drafted. Protests were held. Even the mailroom guys attempted to do their part, sending a homemade explosive to Goodell’s home which may or may not have been composed of two parts water and one part crumbled up pink eraser.

Unfortunately The Man won out and, just like every team in the NFL, the J-MEN staff had to take a bye. But unlike Cam Newton, who reportedly spent his bye week going to haunted houses and eating root beer gummies, my team didn’t relax. Against the better judgement of our legal team, we all packed in for a few JDL film sessions.

Here are the results...

The JDL Midseason Power Rankings

1. YouGotChunted (Chunt) - Chunt’s like the two-year old preschooler who walks around with his baby-goat balance and knocks over all the other kids’ awesome creations. Every week, his opponents stack their oversized Legos just so, and every week he toddles over and uses Adrian Peterson/Arian Foster/Peyton Manning to deliver the fury of a thousand chubby arms. Well guess what, Chuntdaddy? Your buddy MJD just had to be scraped off the turf with a spatula. Prepare for nap time, bitch.
Preseason Rank: 1
Current Record: 7-0

2. Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - One of my goals when I created this league was to eliminate the impact of kickers and defenses, and for the most part that’s been accomplished. Kickers average about six points a week and are routinely traded for pocket lint, and defenses usually have modest scoring totals at best. Unless of course you count the FREAKING BEARS. I still haven’t figured out if Elise is a secret genius or if she just tapped into some kind of pregnant Spidey-sense on draft day, but owning the Bears D this year may just win her the title. It’s disgusting.
Preseason Rank: 10
Current Record: 6-1

3. Coples Therapy - Initially, I had a weird conceptual theme idea for these Power Rankings, where I would compare each league manager to a rapper. Believe me when I say it was as vague and ill-planned then as it sounds now, but one thing I did have figured out was that Jake would be Jay-Z. The comparisons are pretty much unending here (they both wear scarves...they both have a high pitched giggle...they both have a pregnant wife with the voice of an angel). But, most importantly, they’re both obsessed with making moves. Every day, I log into g-chat and get bombarded by asinine four-way trade ideas from this guy. And while most of the time I’m tempted to call in a Level 5 Fantasy Nerd Alert, it’s hard to knock his results. Somehow the big fella’ turned Alfred Morris, Desean Jackson and some FA’s into Lesean McCoy and Percy Harvin, to the utter amazement of the 80% of the league that knows what the F they’re doing. Watch for Jake to slowly creep into the top spot in his division, as Mrs. Hove can only watch and wonder jiggawhat the hell is happening.
Preseason Rank: 6
Current Record: 4-2-1

4. Gem City Juicers (Drew) - The fact that Drew’s team is doing so well is unsettling, to say the least. Mainly because he’s been in every league I’ve ever run and never finished higher than terrible. But also, he’s winning with three Bengals in his lineup, which makes about as much sense as getting a raise after telling the Bobs you work just hard enough not to get fired. BOLD PREDICTION: This is the year Drew finally makes the playoffs. SLIGHTLY LESS BOLD PREDICTION: He’ll blow his winnings on chinese take-out and/or a Franklin and Bash box set.
Preseason Rank: 7
Current Record: 4-2-1

5. Urban Achievers (Glen) -  When the Ohio State Buckeyes defeated Purdue Saturday in a thriller, it was because a little-used, un-touted backup quarterback entered the game for the injured Braxton Miller and basically spit in the face of destiny. Low on talent and skill, the completely-unheard-of Kenny Guiton marched his team 60 yards into the end-zone to a miraculous win in OT. To put it plainly, Kenny Guiton had no business being on that field, and he had no business winning that game. Glen Rosengrant is the JDL’s Kenny Guiton, only with a lot less heroism and a lot more hair.
Preseason Rank: 4
Current Record: 4-3  

6. you already know (Jen) - If Glen is the league’s Guiton, Jen is the league’s Eeyore. Ever since she rufied herself on draft night and woke up with a starting running back corps of Pierre Thomas and Ben Tate, she’s been stewing in a hot pot of female rage/self-pity. I’ve tried to explain that she can’t always be as “good” as she was last year (where she stumbled into Cam Newton, Rob Gronkowski, and Jimmy Graham in the late rounds), but all that usually gets me is an icy glare and carrots for dessert. Yet still, after starting miserably, Jen has been on an impressive ninja-tear, piling up 97 points or more in three of the last four weeks. BOLD PREDICTION NUMBER TWO: Jen ends up being the two seed in our division. SLIGHTLY LESS BOLD PREDICTION NUMBER TWO: That Eeyore crack just earned me hand-holding status until at least Tuesday.
Preseason Rank: 9
Current Record: 2-4-1

7. Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - Anytime you decide to go the division route in fantasy football, you run the risk of throwing your competitive balance completely off kilter. Sadly (read: hilariously), that’s exactly what’s happened thus far in the JDL. In one division (we’ll call it the “AFC”), I’m in third place with a 3-4 record. Though I’ve never scored higher than 84, if the season ended today I’d be in the playoffs. Meanwhile, over in what we’ll refer to loosely to as the “NFC”, we’ve got a bunch of titans clobbering each other for scraps. Howard’s team, led by Drew Brees/Frank Gore/Rob Gronkowski, is one of those titans.  As commissioner, normally I’d feel responsible for this disparity and feel obligated to offer the affected parties some sort of compensation. However, being that it’s HOWARD getting the cornhole here, I’ll probably just send him a smiley-face emoticon and a bottle of Vaseline.
Preseason Rank: 2
Current Record: 3-4

8. THE MACHINE (Tim) - Playing against Tim in this league is kind of like ordering a stripper. Once in awhile Jessica Biel’s sister will show up and charge everyone a quarter, but usually you’ll just get the out-of-work lunch lady who evidently had eight kids forcibly removed from her undercarriage. The Meat Man is in a precarious position right now at 3-3-1 in the Division of Doom, so any more herpes monsters could mean the end.  
Preseason Rank: 3
Current Record: 3-3-1

9. Yo Soy Siesta (Reed) - As long as we’re all picking characters, I’d have to say my role in this Godforsaken venture is probably that of Michael Bolton from Office Space. After drafting what I thought was the cast of The Avengers, I spent the next few days basically just driving around doing this. Unfortunately, my no-talent-ass-clown players started getting injured, so all I could do was donkey-kick my printer and start calling people cock-gobblers.
Preseason Rank: 5
Current Record: 3-4

10. IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - Brent was the only one that came over to my house on draft night. So, logically, when he panic-drafted Victor Cruz in the second round and then spewed obscenities for the next hour, I was really the only one there to console him. In one of the great “holy crap, what if that had happened” moments of the season, the Poop-Daddy’s Giant-hatred led him to offer me Cruz for Brandon Lloyd (my fifth rounder). So, being the big, stupid ape that I am, I of course told him I’d think about it. Since then Cruz has put up points in bunches, while Brandon Lloyd has spent seven weeks picking dandelions and doing cartwheels. Yet another reason why I’m seriously considering setting my house on fire.
Preseason Rank: 8
Current Record: 1-6

11. Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - The good thing about Spaz’s club is that he drafted gold-mine backups like Michael Bush and CJ Spiller. The bad thing is that those guys haven’t been relevant for about a month, leaving him with Cam Newton and a bunch of dinglehoppers. If there’s a silver lining, it’s that his team’s output is finally starting to look as disgusting and inappropriate as its name, which the Urban Dictionary roughly translates to “The soft fleshy tissue between the butt cheeks. The entrance to the colon. Located approximately 5 cm from the genitalia. Sometimes referred to as the anus.”...................Amazing.
Preseason Rank: 11
Current Record: 2-5

12. NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - Don put up 49 points this week. He was forced to start a guy named Phillip Tanner along with his tight end (who he picked up off waivers) that is out for the season and David “0 points” Wilson. So yeah, if the rest of us were rappers like Jay-Z and 50 Cent, Don would have to be Lou Bega.
Preseason Rank: 12
Current Record: 1-6

Stay tuned for next week’s recap, where I promise to feature Lloyd Braun and  “Samir Nagga, Nagga, Naggonna work here anymore.”

Reed Domer-Shank
JDL Commissioner and Legitimate AFC Contender

Doing the Bull Dance! The Week 5 JDL Recap

In the beginning, participating in the JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League was like waltzing through a Happy Gilmore daydream. I had what I thought was a game-changing draft, RG3 had Boobie Miles confidence, and chicks in lingerie were basically just serving me beer by the pitcher.

Yep, life was pretty sweet...for all of about 2.5 seconds. Then the games started, and it was like the other 11 members of the league started crushing me with wiffle-bats.

Suddenly, instead of Chubbs crooning from behind his big white piano and telling me he got his hand back, Grandma was Gene Simmons and I was getting cornholed by Shooter McGavin. Up has been down, right has been left, and I’ve caught exactly zero breaks along the way. (Hell, at least in Happy’s nightmare the cowboy midget continued to do the bull dance.)

However, this week will be different, because I have a secret weapon. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, my secret weapon is not a homeless dude who eats crackers off the ground or a giant construction worker with a “Guns don’t kill people, I kill people” t-shirt.

I won’t go into detail just yet, but suffice it to say that by the end of this week Grandma will be killing it on the slot machines and  I’LL be the one calling people jackass.

The JDL - Week 5 Matchup Recaps

Gem City Juicers (Drew) -vs- you already know (Jen) - So, Jen just won her first game of the season. As her husband, that means I’m obligated to plan some type of celebration, since to this point her team has been a bucket of skunk pee. My first thought was to buy her a pinata, fill it with tiny bottles of liquor, and just let her whale away until she was tired and then drink herself into a stupor. However, that wouldn’t be that different from any other Tuesday in our house, so I decided to scrap it and just plan a parade. Philadelphia is touchy about blocking off streets though, so it will just be our block. And being that we spent all our money on fantasy leagues we won’t win, the parade will probably just consist of her riding her bike and me running behind her banging a bucket with a stick.  
you already know (1-4) - 76
Gem City Juicers (3-2) - 74

YouGotChunted (Chunt) -vs- THE MACHINE (Tim) - If it hadn’t been for a negative-one point adjustment in Week 3, Tim would have totaled exactly 53 points in three of five weeks this season. EXACTLY 53. I feel like giving him a pound of fruit salad sour patch gummies just for taking his consistent impotence to a whole new stratosphere. In other news, Chunt continues to punch Zelda cheat codes into his Leapfrog tablet with astonishing results.
YouGotChunted (5-0) - 104
THE MACHINE (2-3) - 53

Urban Achievers (Glen) -vs- IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - When he saw that Glen was starting Danny Woodhead and Shonn Greene at running back, I can only assume Brent laughed maniacally and then took his expected/virtual winnings out for a night on the town. Two smelly strippers and a bunch of three-card poker debt later, the Poop Man is left wondering where the hell his receivers disappeared to and how in the world Reggie Wayne (27 points) hasn’t yet fossilized. As usual, Glen wins with a paper-thin lineup and Brent has to go to Club Risque at lunch to retrieve his debit card.
Urban Achievers (4-1) - 107
IpoopNurSoup (1-4) - 86

NoVA Bath Salts (Don) -vs- Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - When I ranked Elise 11th in the Preseason Power Rankings, I was informed by Jake that it kind of steamed her clams. At the time, I assumed she was just kind of “you forgot to put the toilet seat down” mad. I had no idea that my asinine projections would cause her to completely flip her shit and start beating people by 50. With the way she’s responded to me calling her team a bunch of blind midgets, you would’ve thought I offered the One Ring to Galadriel. Yes Elise, we do love you, and we definitely despair. Now stop shooting everyone with those green lightning bolts and give us hobbits a f%cking chance.
Revis&Buttheads (5-0) - 133
NoVA Bath Salts (1-4) - 83

Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) -vs- Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - When Howard took down Spaz (one of my division rivals), I cheered. Then I got on the internet and watched this, and immediately felt like I should go volunteer at a soup kitchen. Seriously, watch that clip and tell me you don’t feel like your Dad just told you he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. I was totally with Eric Winston until he started using words like “ramifications” and calling the fans “you people.” Cuz’ I mean first of all, you’re an offensive lineman, bro. You aren’t supposed to know what ramification means. And second of all, what do you mean YOU people? (And third of all, what do YOU mean, you people??) Was I the only one that was a little disappointed when he didn’t finish his “don’t boo a guy who does everything right” rant with “I’M A MAN! I’M FORTY! AND THIS MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.” I feel like that would have made me have a really good day. Instead, I sat there for ten minutes after it ended with my eyebrows raised, staring off into space and wondering if I should cry.
Cromartie’s Kids (2-3) - 102
Wrinkled Brown Stars (2-3) - 80

Yo Soy Siesta (Me) -vs- Coples Therapy (Jake) - I’ve come to the conclusion that me getting a win in this league is about as likely as the Wet Bandits successfully breaking into the McCallister house. Similar to Harry and Marv, I approached this season with the smugness of Mitt Romney on a ski trip, only to find out that the goddamn back steps were a lot slipperier than they appeared. That was week 1, and it ended with a fancy “M” burn on my palm and a nail through Stephen Jackson’s dumb foot. Ever since, I’ve tripped on micro-machines, had my scalp blown off by a blow torch, and been shot in the nads with a BB gun, all in the vain pursuit of a victory. However, Spaz has four of his key players on byes this week, which means I’m gonna’ get frustrated as hell, kick down the back door, push the paint cans out of my bleary face and ascend the stairs. Now if I can somehow punt the tarantula, I may just tackle this bastard once and for all. After all, Spaz is a kid, and kids are stupid.
Coples Therapy (3-2) - 81
Yo Soy Siesta (1-4) - 66

Tune in next week. Chances are I’ll get two yards from a victory, then turn the corner and get donged in the head by the creepy shovel-man.  

Reed Domer-Shank
JDL Creator and proud member of You People  

Desperation Creeps In! The JDL Week 4 Recap

“Start a new fantasy leeeeeague”, they said.

“Make a bunch of hairbrained rules that only you fully understaaaaand”, they said.

“Dominate everyone and submit them to ridicuuuuule”, they said.

That was the blueprint for the JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League. And after four weeks of play, I was supposed to be sitting on a beach in Mexico right now, wearing a fedora, smoking a stoge, and slapping all kinds of tan waitress ass.

Unfortunately, “dominate” got lost somewhere in translation, because my team couldn’t be further from a celebratory tropical situation. Sitting at 1-3 and averaging a paltry 77 points per game, I’m more like the fat guy at the pool who wears socks with his Tevas and hunts for boyfriends in the shallow end.

Things have gotten so bad that I spent yesterday coming up with ridiculous things I would do in real life if it meant getting a fantasy W. Here are a few...

1. Purposely trip and fall in public. Sometimes when Jen and I are out in public and I’m bored, I’ll just purposely trip and fall. If I’m feeling real saucy, I’ll shout out something like MAYDAY and look back at her in anguish as if she pushed me. At the least, it livens up my afternoon, and at most it gives everyone around us an AWESOME story to tell.

No? Not buying it? Ok, but you can imagine what it'd be like if I did, eh? I shit you not when I say I’d pull one of these stunts in a heartbeat if it meant a win this week. Hell, I’d trip directly into a Philadelphia public fountain if I needed to, homeless pee and all.

2. Punch my hand through a random wall. The key here is “random.” Anyone can sock a wall, knowing its nothing but a thin sheet of drywall or plaster. Shoot, I do that anyway sometimes just to see what superheros feel like. But some drywall is backed by stone or mortar, and punching that shit is like putting your phalanges in a blender. Luckily, I can deal with a broken hand for a few weeks. What I can’t deal with is a fantasy team that makes everyone else look like Globo-gym.

3. Steal something. THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT. I mean, obviously I’m not going to take millions of dollars, or a car, or anything else that would get me tossed into Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. But yes, I’d steal something for a fantasy victory. Maybe something in the supermarket checkout line. Like a Twix, or some of that dual-flavored gum. Or maybe like a pumpkin. You know, from a lightly-guarded patch. Something small. Shutup, it’s still stealing.

I won’t go too far into detail with the rest or else we’d never get to this week’s matchup recaps, but you can probably assume it included stuff like eating a cockroach, drinking pee, getting anywhere near a snake, letting a dog lick me on the mouth, not watching Game of Thrones live, wearing a thong for a day, stapling my hand, losing in Words With Friends, listening to Nicky Minaj on repeat, watching Snow White and the Huntsman (again), and/or whoring my brother out for change.

The JDL - Week 4 Matchup Recaps

Yo Soy Siesta (Me) -vs- Gem City Juicers (Drew) - Losing to your sibling has to be one of the all-time worst feelings. Worse than drying off with a wet towel. Worse than biting into a rotten peach. Worse than walking around all day with the “damn-I-should-have-wiped-better” disease (oh please, we’ve all had it.) So, heading into Monday night’s game with Matt Forte to play, chasing only 13 points, I had my celebration all planned out. It included at least three braggadocious texts, one well-timed voicemail (wherein I would just loop this sound effect over and over), and a barbershop quartet that would show up at Drewfus’s door and sing the U-G-L-Y YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI YOU UGLAAAY song. As it turned out, Forte shit the bed, my backups lit the world on fire, and Drew managed to reclaim the Domer-Shank cup, which happens to be a mayonnaise container glued to a catcher’s mitt.
Gem City Juicers (3-1) - 92
Yo Soy Siesta (1-3) - 84

Urban Achievers (Glen) -vs- THE MACHINE (Tim) - I’m really, really glad Glen lost this week. Not because he’s got one of the lowest “points against” totals in the league, and not because he hasn’t even come close to paying his league dues yet, and not because of his gnarly goatee. No, I was actually rooting against him because he had the audacity to start Jeremy Kerley and Anquan Boldin, which is about as genius as a real NFL team starting a kicker at left tackle or Tim Tebow at quarterback. The only negative here is that for Glen to lose, Tim had to win, and Tim hasn’t paid his league fees either. Luckily, I recently finalized the details of my League Commissioner Chinese Water Torture program, which aims to curb fee-paying tardiness by docking delinquent teams more and more points every week until they drown in a sea of negative points/shame. If this program is half as effective as I hope, these two jackalacks will be begging to pay me interest.
THE MACHINE (2-2) - 89
Urban Achievers (3-1) - 69

Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) -vs- NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - Much like my wife and I, who have been about as intimidating as this, Don and Howard have spent the first four weeks of the season getting owned. As commissioner, I sometimes wish I could take a meaningless pairing like this and just make them square off in something completely ridiculous and unrelated like two-person four square, or Iron Chef gingerbread house-making. If I could get rules like that in place, I’m positive the JDL would win at least two Emmys. The downside is that any given week would have the potential to devolve into a looping cycle of Rhythmic Rope Routines.
Cromartie’s Kids (1-3) - 93
NoVA Bath Salts (1-3) - 90

you already know (Jen) -vs- Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - If you asked me to name my favorite Seinfeld episode/moment, I’d most likely say SURELY YOU JEST. Reducing the rich catalogue of Seinfeld is a fool’s errand, at best. It’s so vast (yes, vast) that there’s a ridiculously witty scene for almost every situation you’ll encounter. For instance, in the episode “The Summer of George”, Elaine is constantly pissed off because no one takes her feud with a female co-worker seriously; simply chalking it up as a "cat-fight". Which, for those scoring at home, happens to be exactly how the rest of us view this matchup between Elise and Jen. Sure, they may have good players. Sure, they’ve each won a fantasy league in the last couple years. But basically all the rest of us really care about is the fact that the more these two grapple back and forth, the better the chance is that something might just come off.
Revis&Buttheads (4-0) - 111
you already know (0-4) - 97

YouGotChunted (Chunt) -vs- Coples Therapy (Jake) - I knew there would be a week where Chunt didn’t put up quadruple-digit points, and that when that time came, we’d have to be ready. The way I envisioned it, right when Chunt’s team started being average we’d hit the alarm, toss in a few smoke bombs, and unleash about 50 repelling ninjas. All future threats would be neutralized and we’d haul his bitchass away under one of those weighted hunting nets. Unfortunately, that opportunity arose during the week where Chunt was playing Jake, whose apparent plan was to just send in Officer Doofy.
YouGotChunted (4-0) - 80
Coples Therapy (2-2) - 78

IpoopNurSoup (Brent) -vs- Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - I may end up blaming Spaz for sending this league down the toilet. See, Spaz is the one who spent the weekend drilling Brent in his ear-hole, which in turn caused Brent to drop to 1-3, which in turn evidently caused him to turn over control of his team to the Have You Seen My Baseball guy. Yes Brent, you’ve officially earned this week’s Fantasy Boob award for trading away Shady McCoy. This award will closely resemble those “Not Top 10” on ESPN, where the champion is re-voted on every week until something more retarded comes along to unseat it. In other words, you pissing away your future will likely end up on the FFB Dingus Wall of Fame, right next to Taco from “The League” and the guy who tried to draft Dennis Eckersley. Move over, Matt Millen, there’s a new genius in town.
Wrinkled Brown Stars (2-2) - 114
IpoopNurSoup (1-3) - 86


Stay tuned for next week’s recap, where I plan to continue my descent into the swirling vortex of despair. There will be wins, there will be losses, but most importantly there will be 11 people having fun and one person with two thumbs and a healthy hatred of everything.


Reed Domer-Shank
JDL Commissioner and Raquel Welch Punching Bag