While the rest of the world spends their weekend making instagram collages of sunsets or shotgunning beers on their back porch, the eager interns at J-MEN take no breaks. Sports is life at this site, and anyone who says otherwise gets a solid paddling.
And, while YES, our staff sometimes barely manage to crank out any material whatsoever, (leading most people to the belief that we were bought out by Google.) that sound you hear isn’t radio silence. On the contrary. It’s actually the sound of Raul and Phillip and Simone holed up in the back, researching sports and entertainment leads that will at some point blow your face off.
That’s why when Week 7 rolled around I was surprised and disappointed to receive an official correspondence from the NFL Corporate Office. Just as we were finalizing a killer JDL Week 6 recap, the No Fun League issued what amounted to a cease and desist order to myself, my staff, and all four of our adorable company-owned pets. I won’t bore you with the legalese, but in so many words Roger Goodell and his sad-sack cronies instituted a Bye Week Mandate, preventing us from doing any work whatsoever for almost an entire fortnight.
As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with the team. Petitions were drafted. Protests were held. Even the mailroom guys attempted to do their part, sending a homemade explosive to Goodell’s home which may or may not have been composed of two parts water and one part crumbled up pink eraser.
Unfortunately The Man won out and, just like every team in the NFL, the J-MEN staff had to take a bye. But unlike Cam Newton, who reportedly spent his bye week going to haunted houses and eating root beer gummies, my team didn’t relax. Against the better judgement of our legal team, we all packed in for a few JDL film sessions.
Here are the results...
The JDL Midseason Power Rankings
1. YouGotChunted (Chunt) - Chunt’s like the two-year old preschooler who walks around with his baby-goat balance and knocks over all the other kids’ awesome creations. Every week, his opponents stack their oversized Legos just so, and every week he toddles over and uses Adrian Peterson/Arian Foster/Peyton Manning to deliver the fury of a thousand chubby arms. Well guess what, Chuntdaddy? Your buddy MJD just had to be scraped off the turf with a spatula. Prepare for nap time, bitch.
Preseason Rank: 1
Current Record: 7-0
2. Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - One of my goals when I created this league was to eliminate the impact of kickers and defenses, and for the most part that’s been accomplished. Kickers average about six points a week and are routinely traded for pocket lint, and defenses usually have modest scoring totals at best. Unless of course you count the FREAKING BEARS. I still haven’t figured out if Elise is a secret genius or if she just tapped into some kind of pregnant Spidey-sense on draft day, but owning the Bears D this year may just win her the title. It’s disgusting.
Preseason Rank: 10
Current Record: 6-1
3. Coples Therapy - Initially, I had a weird conceptual theme idea for these Power Rankings, where I would compare each league manager to a rapper. Believe me when I say it was as vague and ill-planned then as it sounds now, but one thing I did have figured out was that Jake would be Jay-Z. The comparisons are pretty much unending here (they both wear scarves...they both have a high pitched giggle...they both have a pregnant wife with the voice of an angel). But, most importantly, they’re both obsessed with making moves. Every day, I log into g-chat and get bombarded by asinine four-way trade ideas from this guy. And while most of the time I’m tempted to call in a Level 5 Fantasy Nerd Alert, it’s hard to knock his results. Somehow the big fella’ turned Alfred Morris, Desean Jackson and some FA’s into Lesean McCoy and Percy Harvin, to the utter amazement of the 80% of the league that knows what the F they’re doing. Watch for Jake to slowly creep into the top spot in his division, as Mrs. Hove can only watch and wonder jiggawhat the hell is happening.
Preseason Rank: 6
Current Record: 4-2-1
4. Gem City Juicers (Drew) - The fact that Drew’s team is doing so well is unsettling, to say the least. Mainly because he’s been in every league I’ve ever run and never finished higher than terrible. But also, he’s winning with three Bengals in his lineup, which makes about as much sense as getting a raise after telling the Bobs you work just hard enough not to get fired. BOLD PREDICTION: This is the year Drew finally makes the playoffs. SLIGHTLY LESS BOLD PREDICTION: He’ll blow his winnings on chinese take-out and/or a Franklin and Bash box set.
Preseason Rank: 7
Current Record: 4-2-1
5. Urban Achievers (Glen) - When the Ohio State Buckeyes defeated Purdue Saturday in a thriller, it was because a little-used, un-touted backup quarterback entered the game for the injured Braxton Miller and basically spit in the face of destiny. Low on talent and skill, the completely-unheard-of Kenny Guiton marched his team 60 yards into the end-zone to a miraculous win in OT. To put it plainly, Kenny Guiton had no business being on that field, and he had no business winning that game. Glen Rosengrant is the JDL’s Kenny Guiton, only with a lot less heroism and a lot more hair.
Preseason Rank: 4
Current Record: 4-3
6. you already know (Jen) - If Glen is the league’s Guiton, Jen is the league’s Eeyore. Ever since she rufied herself on draft night and woke up with a starting running back corps of Pierre Thomas and Ben Tate, she’s been stewing in a hot pot of female rage/self-pity. I’ve tried to explain that she can’t always be as “good” as she was last year (where she stumbled into Cam Newton, Rob Gronkowski, and Jimmy Graham in the late rounds), but all that usually gets me is an icy glare and carrots for dessert. Yet still, after starting miserably, Jen has been on an impressive ninja-tear, piling up 97 points or more in three of the last four weeks. BOLD PREDICTION NUMBER TWO: Jen ends up being the two seed in our division. SLIGHTLY LESS BOLD PREDICTION NUMBER TWO: That Eeyore crack just earned me hand-holding status until at least Tuesday.
Preseason Rank: 9
Current Record: 2-4-1
7. Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - Anytime you decide to go the division route in fantasy football, you run the risk of throwing your competitive balance completely off kilter. Sadly (read: hilariously), that’s exactly what’s happened thus far in the JDL. In one division (we’ll call it the “AFC”), I’m in third place with a 3-4 record. Though I’ve never scored higher than 84, if the season ended today I’d be in the playoffs. Meanwhile, over in what we’ll refer to loosely to as the “NFC”, we’ve got a bunch of titans clobbering each other for scraps. Howard’s team, led by Drew Brees/Frank Gore/Rob Gronkowski, is one of those titans. As commissioner, normally I’d feel responsible for this disparity and feel obligated to offer the affected parties some sort of compensation. However, being that it’s HOWARD getting the cornhole here, I’ll probably just send him a smiley-face emoticon and a bottle of Vaseline.
Preseason Rank: 2
Current Record: 3-4
8. THE MACHINE (Tim) - Playing against Tim in this league is kind of like ordering a stripper. Once in awhile Jessica Biel’s sister will show up and charge everyone a quarter, but usually you’ll just get the out-of-work lunch lady who evidently had eight kids forcibly removed from her undercarriage. The Meat Man is in a precarious position right now at 3-3-1 in the Division of Doom, so any more herpes monsters could mean the end.
Preseason Rank: 3
Current Record: 3-3-1
9. Yo Soy Siesta (Reed) - As long as we’re all picking characters, I’d have to say my role in this Godforsaken venture is probably that of Michael Bolton from Office Space. After drafting what I thought was the cast of The Avengers, I spent the next few days basically just driving around doing this. Unfortunately, my no-talent-ass-clown players started getting injured, so all I could do was donkey-kick my printer and start calling people cock-gobblers.
Preseason Rank: 5
Current Record: 3-4
10. IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - Brent was the only one that came over to my house on draft night. So, logically, when he panic-drafted Victor Cruz in the second round and then spewed obscenities for the next hour, I was really the only one there to console him. In one of the great “holy crap, what if that had happened” moments of the season, the Poop-Daddy’s Giant-hatred led him to offer me Cruz for Brandon Lloyd (my fifth rounder). So, being the big, stupid ape that I am, I of course told him I’d think about it. Since then Cruz has put up points in bunches, while Brandon Lloyd has spent seven weeks picking dandelions and doing cartwheels. Yet another reason why I’m seriously considering setting my house on fire.
Preseason Rank: 8
Current Record: 1-6
11. Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - The good thing about Spaz’s club is that he drafted gold-mine backups like Michael Bush and CJ Spiller. The bad thing is that those guys haven’t been relevant for about a month, leaving him with Cam Newton and a bunch of dinglehoppers. If there’s a silver lining, it’s that his team’s output is finally starting to look as disgusting and inappropriate as its name, which the Urban Dictionary roughly translates to “The soft fleshy tissue between the butt cheeks. The entrance to the colon. Located approximately 5 cm from the genitalia. Sometimes referred to as the anus.”...................Amazing.
Preseason Rank: 11
Current Record: 2-5
12. NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - Don put up 49 points this week. He was forced to start a guy named Phillip Tanner along with his tight end (who he picked up off waivers) that is out for the season and David “0 points” Wilson. So yeah, if the rest of us were rappers like Jay-Z and 50 Cent, Don would have to be Lou Bega.
Preseason Rank: 12
Current Record: 1-6
Stay tuned for next week’s recap, where I promise to feature Lloyd Braun and “Samir Nagga, Nagga, Naggonna work here anymore.”
JDL Commissioner and Legitimate AFC Contender