Ohio State -vs- Michigan State: LET THE REAL SEASON BEGIN!

I’m a huge procrastinator. Every writer is, I’m pretty sure, regardless of whether they’re amateur, professional, or just a dude trying to finish a term paper.

Typically I’ll have an idea for an article (column, blog post, story...whatever these are called), but then spend at least four hours just kind of cultivating it. And, by cultivating it, I mean checking my email, logging in to Facebook times-a-billion, refreshing ESPN’s home page, clipping my toenails, baking a pie, practicing the yo-yo, folding napkins into swans, and chasing squirrels in my backyard.

Basically, even though writing is one of my favorite pastimes, it takes me awhile to get the motor going. However, I’d be lying if I said that’s why I haven’t written about the Buckeyes yet.

See, I’ve always maintained that Ohio State football is by FAR my favorite thing to watch on television. The Silver Bullets have a place in my heart that no program could ever hope to replace. Not the Reds, not the Bengals, not Seinfeld, and not even (gasp) Game of Thrones. I don’t miss games. I CAN’T miss games. Something weird and primal and painful happens in my soul when a Buckeye game is on TV and I’m not in front of it. I get twitchy. My throat gets dry. I start inadvertently letting out little moans of anguish. Things get weird.

So, one would probably have expected that JOURNEYMEN would surely have covered some OSU material by now. After all, with four games in the books and the Boys standing at 4-0, you could say a lot of blog-worthy stuff has happened. Yet, four weeks went by and I never got the urge. I can’t say why for certain, but here’s a theory...

Mostly due to the allure of Urban Meyer, my expectations were massive for this season. Finish 12-0. Put the Big Ten on notice.Treat Brady Hoke and TSUN to some good old fashioned blunt force trauma. Anything else would be a massive disappointment. For most OSU fans, those are pretty much ALWAYS the expectations. But under Meyer, however, we were all more confident than ever.

Unfortunately, anyone who’s suffered through these first four games knows that’s not the path we’re on. A month in, we as fans find ourselves knee-deep in missed tackles, elementary-level offensive lapses, and a coaching staff that can’t quite seem to figure out who they want their team to be. I’ll get into all of that in more detail shortly, but suffice it to say that this much has been clear: Ohio State football is not where we want it to be. Nor is it where we THOUGHT it would be at this point. And frankly, at times it is completely unrecognizable.  

In short, I just haven’t been inspired.

Yet, tomorrow the Bucks will take the field in East Lansing to open up the Big Ten season. They’ll face a Michigan State team that has myriad problems of their own, yet will probably still pose one of the tougher tests of the season (keep up the good work, Big Ten!) Cupcake season is over, and shit is about to get real, which means I’ve got no choice. Time to jump in with some analysis, or, if we’re being honest, some lighthearted J-Men commentary. Here are three things we know about our beloved Buckeyes, three things we’re about to find out, and one confident prediction for tomorrow’s outcome...

What We Know...

1. Without Braxton Miller, we’d go 0-12. Ok so maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. 1-11 would be possible, and 2-10 might be in reach. But let’s face it, what’s impressed you about this team, besides number five? John Simon’s massive biceps? Devin Smith’s Spiderman catch? The absence of Joe-fucking-Bauserman?

Alright, I guess that last one’s pretty cool, but we’ve gotta’ be honest here...this season has basically been Exhibits A through G of the B-Rax Trade Show, and nothing else besides POSSIBLY the emergence of Bradley Roby has given us anything to be excited about. We should cherish every moment of Miller, because when it’s all said and done, he’ll finish with better numbers than Troy Smith, one Heisman (at least), and the somewhat-less-than-prestigious distinction as the best OSU quarterback of all time.

2. Ohio State’ defensive line will dominate, sooner rather than later. Remember that one time when we played Florida in that semi-big game awhile back and they walked all over our face? Well, as if it hasn’t been said a trillion times, that game was decided in the trenches, and by that I mean Florida’s fast, agile front seven made Ohio State look like fat kids wrapped in bacon. They ran around us, through us, and basically right over top of us for 60 minutes, and probably single-handedly robbed Troy Smith of a few mil in draft dollars. Well, that rotation of thoroughbreds was recruited and coached up by none other than Urban Frank Meyer, and from the looks of it, he’s got some more of that special sauce brewing in C--bus.

Despite the best efforts of co-defensive coordinator/charity case Luke Fickell, Meyer’s prized recruits Noah Spence and Adolphus Washington have been working their way into the D-line rotation, and have looked good doing it. Spence is the pure pass-rusher. Washington is the “I look like I’m a five-year NFL vet” tackle. Together, they’re showing already why they’ll be one of the best D-line tandems OSU has seen. Simply put, Fickell (who is also the D-line coach) needs to take a couple swigs of whiskey and just agree to roll with these guys, for better or worse. Toss Garret “obligatory run-stuffing white dude” Goebel in on rush downs if need be, but this D-line’s core needs to be Simon at the strong side, Spence at the weak side, and Washington/Jonathan Hankins at the tackles. As has been shown umpteen times over, this defense will make mistakes anyway. May as well get your most electric playmakers on the field.  

3. Urban Meyer is not unstoppable. Put down your potato guns, Buckeye fans, I’m not about to bash the Urb. In fact, I love the Urb. I have an Urb shirt. I have the Urb plastered all over my computer screen at work. I even own one of those Urban Meyer bobbleheads that Donatos gave out, even though the closest Donatos is about six hours away. However, I don’t think I was alone in thinking that just by stepping on campus, UFM would turn last year’s 6-7 atrocity back into a national powerhouse. As it turns out, it’s more complicated than that.

Sure, the undefeated season (something we at one point all assumed to be an inevitability) is still in play. We’re 4-0, after all, and the Big Ten currently sucks a giant donkey nut. But this team has holes. Massive, giant, drive-a-car-through-em holes. The offense disappears for quarters at a time. The special teams had a punt blocked by UA-fucking-B. And the defense may as well line up in a damn 4-1-6 umbrella formation ‘cuz Etienne Sabino and Curtis Grant have treated the linebacking position like an 8am Art History class (Get it? They don't show up! BAM!) (Seriously, the fact that Storm Klein is seeing time in there should be enough to make all of us want to cry.) So what I’m saying, I guess, is that any time a coaching staff turns over, there’s going to be really evident growing pains. Even if the new guy spends his spare time mounting unicorns and solving Rubik’s cubes with his dingaling.

What We’re About to Find Out...

1. Is the defense really this bad? To put it really plainly, DEAR GOD I HOPE NOT. In case anyone is still reading this that isn’t a Buckeye fan (bravo to you, by the way), the OSU defense has been subpar by most standards and downright pukey by tOSU standards (which, incidentally, are the only standards that matter, ever.) What all of us Bucknuts are used to is a defense that does three things really well. One, they completely smother the run. And while a lot of what’s been throw at this team so far is three-step drop, spread-passing type stuff, they also allowed a third-string sophomore from Cal named Brendan Bigelow to run for 160 yards and two touchdowns, making everyone from Dayton to Akron wonder what-the-Biakabutuka was going on. Two, they swarm to the football. Seriously guys, all this really requires is energy and an unwillingness to quit on a play. Just run over there and jump on the damn pile, please. All of us will feel a lot better. And three, every Buckeye defense that I can remember has known how to tackle. I sat with my wife for one defensive series against UAB and counted seven missed tackles. Seven. On one series. Against UA-fucking-B (not bitter about that game at all, btw). Put me, my one-armed cousin, and my fucking ipod out there and I guarantee you we’ll whiff less. This weekend, OSU will be butting heads with a 240-pound wrecking ball by the name of Le’veon Bell. It’s all MSU really has, so it shouldn’t be hard to stop if we’ve got the talent on defense that we thought.

2. Besides Brax, who are our offensive playmakers? To be fair, we may never really answer that question, or at least not until next season. We could spend the next eight games flirting with the inconsistent skill sets of Jake Stoneburner (disappears at times), Philly Brown (good, not great) and Devin Smith (catches one, drops two) and never truly carve out an offensive identity. So far, Braxton Miller has zero consistent, reliable targets. For every offensive possession that clicks, there’s about four that stall because people weren’t in the right place or just couldn’t come down with the ball. However, I’m a firm believer in the old adage that big players emerge in big games. Ideally, Carlos Hyde would channel his inner-Beanie, Stoneburner would be the reliable possession guy, Smith would be that fly-pattern flash and dazzle man, and Jordan Hall/Philly Brown would make moves in the flats. And while consistent production in all those areas may be a bit much to ask (especially by tomorrow), I think we’ll at least begin to see who’s ready to shine and who’s going to fade into that OSU recruit Gotye oblivion.

3. How will we remember this team? Again, the answer to that question certainly won’t come clear after tomorrow. We could go winless for the next eight weeks, but as long as we beat TSUN 70-2 we’ll be talking for decades about “that team that caused Brady Hoke’s first of seven coronaries yet still somehow gave up a fucking safety.” However, this team needs an identity badly. Every OSU team has had one. Even last year’s team had one, even if it was best characterized by the look of abject confusion/frustration on the face of Luke Fickell. Coming in, I was hoping Urb’s first team would be exciting, cutthroat, and fundamentally sound (possibly a carryover from the teachings of Tress). So far, they’ve been disjointed on offense, boring on special teams and, well, a mess on defense. Still, I’ll revert back to my earlier assertion: the games are just now beginning, and big players emerge when the bright lights come on. With Braxton at the helm, this offense still has a chance to really define the team as a run and gun, blow-em-out squad. The receivers just need to pick up some slack. On the other side of the ball, for every big lead the O puts up, there’s a talented group of defensive linemen and two NFL-caliber corners waiting to feast on a passing attack (assuming one of those even exists in today’s Big Ten). That’s what I’m hoping to see, until Fickell/Meye/Everett Withers can coax the linebackers/safeties into stopping a nose bleed. I say take no prisoners on offense and throw caution to the wind on D. Win games 49-27 if you have to. Traditionalists Jim Tressel/Woody Hayes aren’t here anymore, so you won’t have to worry about someone telling you to “do a better job” and/or punching you in the neck.

The Prediction...

Former Buckeyes Head Coach and bonafide OSU insider Earle Bruce has been on record this week (reported at Bucknuts.com) that he believes the Scarlet and Gray will come to play tomorrow, despite what they’ve shown. I, for one, happen to agree with him. If there’s one thing I’ve always hated(before) and loved(now) about Urban Meyer, it’s his obvious competitive zeal. He hates to be shown up, especially in the big games. It’s a refuse to lose mentality, and he just exudes it. I think the slog-fest vs UAB was a wake-up call. My feeling is Meyer sat down with his coaches Sunday and told them exactly what needed to happen should this team want to win in the Big Ten. I say Braxton manages the game well, converts third downs when he needs to, and the special teams units (Meyer’s baby) will come up big, even if the defense can’t quite contain Bell. As they often do, Ohio State silences upstart MSU, and the Urban Meyer era officially begins.

Ohio State 31, Michigan State 20

DIVE INTO THE BLENDER! The JDL Week 3 Recap

When you tell someone you’re planning to go skydiving, you can usually expect one of several standard responses, especially if you’re talking to someone who’s had the experience themself.

They’ll usually say something along the lines of “DUUUUDE you’re so lucky!” or “MAAAAAN you’re gonna’ love it!” or “OOOOOO there’s nothing like it!”

However, what your resident thrill-seeking friend generally won’t tell you is what skydiving actually feels like. Which is to say, getting tossed blindfolded/upside-down into one of those high-powered TV Powerball machines.

Indeed, I took the plunge this weekend. And yes, there’s nothing like it. Unless of course you count being trapped inside a spin-cycling washing machine or taking a swan dive into a house-sized blender.

Call me a weenus if you must, but plummeting through the air at 120 miles per hour was probably one of the most uncomfortable sensations I’ll ever have. It was cold as balls, I couldn’t breathe, and the noise was like being locked in a closet with God’s vacuum cleaner.

I can’t imagine anything more disorienting. Or, at least, I couldn’t -- until I watched those fucking replacement refs Monday night. I’d take two straight weeks of constantly being tossed from a plane before I agreed to walking one series in those guys’ shoes.

Seriously, remember that 2pm office meeting where you were half-asleep and just nodding randomly so people thought you were normal? Well, imagine that there were about 67,000 people in that meeting, and every 20 seconds your boss asked you a question that you had no idea how to answer because all you’d been concentrating on was not nodding off/drooling/spontaneously barking like a dog. Then, upon offering up an answer that was inevitably retarded, imagine that whole stadium of your co-workers calling you a dickhole and Ruth from HR popping you in the back of the head with an aluminum Bud Light. That’s how I imagine these guys feel. Every game. For three straight hours.

I’m sure there’s nothing like it.

The JDL - Week 3 Matchup Recaps

YouGotChunted (Chunt) -vs- Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - It might be that kind of year for Chunt. You know, where if one running back doesn’t put up 20, the other one puts up 25. Where none of his players get injured, yet he still somehow manages to land the miraculously-healed Fred Jackson off waivers, even though he’ll ultimately just put up double-digits on his bench. Yup, all signs point to “Triple-Digit” Chuntdaddy winning that first-place cash. Luckily for the rest of us, the League Rules specify that every manager must use Paypal, and Chunt happens to have a fear of technology normally reserved for 85-year-olds and people who’ve been frozen in carbonite.
YouGotChunted (3-0) - 116
Wrinkled Brown Stars (1-2) - 78

Gem City Juicers (Drew) -vs- IPoopNurSoup (Brent) - The way I imagine it, after another subpar showing, Drew’s probably spent the last day or two flipping through his August edition of the Sporting News, trying to find that article that told him Aaron Rodgers was such a champion. He wants to be fully prepared when I send him a vicious text calling him a nimrod for making such an outlandish first-round selection and suggesting that he trade him post-haste to someone who doesn’t mind stockpiling has-beens (“SAVE THE SEASON DREW! SAVE THE SEASON!!!”) Sadly, I don’t expect him  to fall for my clever ruse. But, then again, Brent didn’t expect to lose by 42 points to a dude who started Mohamed Massaquoi. You do the math.
Gem City Juicers (2-1) - 109
IpoopNurSoup (1-2) - 67

Coples Therapy (Jake) -vs- Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - This face-off had to have been reminiscent of old times for these two. You know, back when Howard would invite Jake over for a sleepover, only to watch the big fella’ eat all of his Totinos and demand that they “wrestle.” With the help of inspired performances by Ray Rice and Torrey Smith, this fiesta ended like all of Rufus and Doofus’s other ones -- Howard zipped up to his head in a sleeping bag, and Jake beating him stupid with sock full of nickels.  
Coples Therapy (2-1) - 107
Cromartie’s Kids (0-3) - 83

THE MACHINE (Tim) -vs- Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - This whole matchup was like a big green cloud of stank. Pure, unadulterated flatulence. You know it’s bad when two quarterbacks combine for nine points, four running backs total 17, and two flex’ put up an Earth-shattering six.
And making matters worse, this is Tim’s SECOND week in a row of putting up exactly 53 points, making him our league’s first two-time winner of the “probably belongs in an 18-team league” award. Elise should be just fine, so long as she keeps playing people like Tim “No-Chance-of-Winnington” Pennington.
Revis&Buttheads (3-0) - 87
THE MACHINE (1-2) - 53

Urban Achievers (Glen) -vs- NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - If all you saw were his email exchanges with Glen, you’d think the only reason I hired Jake as co-commish was so he could just beat the rest of the league over the head with his cast-iron prison guard club. From day one, Jake and his big bro have been at eachother’s throats, so the fact that the Urb emerged with yet another lackluster victory has to just be burning Jake’s little cockles.. Glen’s 3-0, in third place overall, and picking up 44-year-olds like Larod Stephens-Howling, but he’s is also ninth in “points scored against”. That means he’s either chosen his opponents wisely, or his younger brother’s taunts have morphed into some kind of counter-active karma monster. Either way, it’s downright criminal that these two won’t face eachother in the regular season. Ratings would soar, Vegas would explode, and one of these goons would emerge with a second asshole.
Urban Achievers (3-0) - 81
NoVA Bath Salts (1-2) - 74

Yo Soy Siesta (Me) -vs- you already know (Jen) - And finally, the league nadir. Normally, Jen versus me in anything ends horribly. Seriously, it could be fantasy football, ping-pong, scrabble, or the ancient art of Indian leg wrestling -- we’ll always end up pissed. This week, however, was different. Instead of bickering, mean-muggin’, or kicking eachother in the kidneys in our sleep, the wife and I took a decidedly mellower tack. She knows just as well as I do that our teams are horeshit, so what normally would have been a domestic bloodbath was instead more of a “let’s sing Kumbaya to eachother and just hope they don’t impeach us out of the league.” Someone had to lose though, and seeing as Jen consistently puts up less points than she has players on her team, she again took one on the chin. However, tune in next week, where her Improvement Plan will include starting Punky Brewster at running back, Bill Lumberg at wideout, and the HEY ABB-OTT! guy at defensive coordinator. 
Yo Soy Siesta (1-2) - 71
you already know (0-3) - 57


Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN CEO and Skydiving-Doofus-Whose-Ear-Still-Won’t-Effing-Pop

Cincinnati Reds Playoff Pre-Preview: Who I DON'T Want to Face

The dawn of a new football season has a way of making me forget about everything else.


Productivity at work plummets. Relationships become strained. The butt-print on my couch gets conspicuously larger.

However, the real travesty with September football is that baseball becomes secondary. We spend five months with the Boys of Summer, gutting out victories, our eyes glued to the standings, only to completely disengage once the boys in stretchy pants start banging into each other again.

And trust me, I get it. Like every other red-blooded American male, I salivate just thinking about NFL kickoff. In fact, this season I bought TWO Bengals jerseys (one home, one away). It’s part of who we are. But as we sit here on week three’s doorstep, I think it’s important to recognize that baseball isn’t over. In fact, for a select few of us, it’s just about to get good.

For most teams, there are 13 games left in the season. And for fans of the really good teams, fans like me, it’s time to start paying attention, because the playoff landscape is taking shape before our eyes.

As Reds fans, there are basically two outcomes to root for, and most of us are pretty torn. On one hand, after so many years of futility, it’d be nice to see our boys finish the season with the best record in baseball. A very attainable goal, seeing as we currently sit a half game back from the universe-leading Nationals. On the other hand, garnering the number-one seed in the National League means facing the winner of the Wild Card play-in game, a team that’s sure to be riding some serious momentum.

Before we’re all lost completely in the fall football furor, here are my rankings of the seven teams the Reds have a decent chance of facing in round one of the playoffs. Call it a playoffs pre-preview. I’ve ranked them on a scale of  “bring ‘em on” to “please, just kill us now.”  


7. Los Angeles Dodgers - I tossed this word out about two seconds ago, but it bears mentioning again: MOMENTUM. That is, the thing the Dodgers have none of. Since August 15th, Magic Johnson’s monstrosity of an investment has gone 12-19, which has come has a surprise to absolutely no one who’s lucky to have both Hanley Ramirez AND Adrian Gonzalez on their fantasy team (over heeeeere) Of course, a lot can change between now and October 3rd. The Dodgers could reel off eight wins in a row, pass St. Louis in the standings, and cruise confidently into the play-in game. More likely, however, is that they continue to play uninspired baseball, something they’ve grown quite accustomed to in September (7-9). As far as I’m concerned, the Dodgers are Clayton Kershaw, Matt Kemp, and  bunch of dudes.  Current Status: Two games back in the Wild Card


6. Pittsburgh Pirates - I’ve been on record at least a dozen times saying the Pirates would collapse. Since Day One, that scenario has been as inevitable to me as the sun setting in the West and the Ochocinco/Lozada marriage ending in violence. The only thing is, to everyone else’s minor annoyance, the Bucco’s seemed to just keep hanging around. Well, we can all get back to our morning coffee, because the world has recently righted itself. Pittsburgh’s lost 10 of their last 12 games, and now seems to just be intent on getting that elusive 81st win and finishing at or above .500 (something the franchise hasn’t done since the Spanish-American War, approximately.) If it weren’t for the fact that the Pirates are our NL Central rivals (that always makes me semi-nervous), I’d have them eighth on this list of seven. That’s how dead they look.  Current Status: Four and a half games back in the Wild Card


5. San Francisco Giants - Pitching, pitching, pitching. It’s the only thing that’s kept San Fran from a fourth-place finish in each of the last five years. Between twin aces Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain and newcomers Madison Bumgarner and Ryan Vogelsong, the Giants have had a rotation to rival any in baseball. Normally this would scare me, because pitching is king in the playoffs. Yet this year things have been different, especially lately. In their last five starts Bumgarner and Vogelsong have posted 6.00 and 8.63 ERAs, respectively. And, while Lincecum has been slowly regressing back to respectability, his season has been marred by bouts of flagrant powder-keggery (allowing five or more runs in nine starts, as compared to just five such starts in the two previous seasons.) Apart from Matt Cain (who’s actually 0-2 with a 5.54 ERA vs the Reds this season), the Giants look downright pedestrian.Current Status: Leading the NL Central by 9 games


4. Atlanta Braves - I’m looking at the Braves roster right now and seeing a serious playoff sleeper. In a short series like the NLDS, staff ace Tim Hudson (15-6, 3.77 ERA) and upstart Kris Medlen (eight wins and an ERA under 1.00 since entering the rotation in late July) look like they’ll match up well with any team’s top guys. Pair that with a bullpen which rivals the Reds’, and runs will be hard to come by. The difference, then, in a series with the Braves (where offensive opportunities could be scarce) could be the longball, where Cincinnati ranks third in the league and Atlanta ranks ninth. I’m taking Votto/Bruce/Ludwick over Heyward/Freeman/Uggla every time. Current Status: Leading for the first Wild Card slot


3. Milwaukee Brewers - Quick question: where the #$%& did the Brewers come from? Having won 22 of their last 29, the Crew is currently breathing down the necks of the Cardinals (2.5 back in the wild card race) and looking good doing it. As much as Atlanta’s core hitters can’t stand up to Cincinnati’s, I think the Brewers’ can, and would. Braun/Hart/Ramirez all have an OPS exceeding .850, and the Brewers as a team have scored more runs than anyone in the NL. That, combined with the fact that this would be another “anything can go wrong in divisional games” match-up makes me really hope these guys fizzle down the stretch.   Current Status: Two and a half games back in the Wild Card


2. St. Louis Cardinals - Here’s where things start to get dicey. As much as I’d love to swell up with false bravado and unleash a profanity-laced tirade about how much better the Reds are than the Cardinals and how I’d relish a chance to pound them into the grass, I’m smarter than that. The Cardinals are dangerous, and it’s that simple. If you don’t agree, you haven’t checked out their run differential (+91, good for second in the league) or you clearly didn't watch any October baseball at all last year. I hate the Cardinals as much as you do, and that’s exactly why I don’t want them anywhere near this postseason. Current Status: Leading for the second Wild Card slot


1. Philadelphia Phillies - Most Reds fans would put the Cardinals in this spot. Then again, most Reds fans haven’t lived in Philly for the past five years. I’ll bring you up to speed: it’s been brutal. There isn’t much worse than going to an opposing team’s ballpark and watching your team get undressed. It happened two seasons ago (in Game 2 of the NLDS) when Bronson Arroyo came apart. It happened during that 19-inning game last season where Wilson-freaking-Valdez got the win (yup, I stayed.) And it’s happened pretty much every other time I’ve put on my masochist hat and strolled through the gates of Citizen’s Bank Ballpark too. (I just thank God I wasn’t there for Roy Halladay’s no-hitter, or I probably would have spontaneously combusted.) The fact is, since moving to Philadelphia in 2008, the Reds record versus Evil Empire South is an embarrassing 11-26, good for a .297 winning percentage and about eight million slaps to my ego. The Phillies have accumulated a lot of losses this season and admittedly, I’ve cherished every one. Partly because of my “situation.” But also because I knew the Reds were headed for the postseason, and there’s no way in hell I wanted to see these chumps there. Current Status: Four games back in the Wild Card 

So, um...go Dodgers.


Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Team Captain and Philadelphia Doormat

Raping and Pillaging! The JDL Week 2 Recap

I’m going to share a very sensitive secret with you. Chances are you won’t believe it. And more than likely you’ll toss it right back in my face. But I assure you, what I’m about to divulge couldn’t be more true. Heart-wrenchingly, ass-chappingly true.

I have never won a fantasy football league.

That’s right, since the dawn of fantasy popularity (roughly ten years ago) I’ve managed at least one team every season, usually more, and have managed to accumulate exactly bupkus. Oh sure, I’ve been to the playoffs a bunch, and I’ve even ascended to the championship game a time or two. But regardless of regular season success and playoff odds, my teams have consistently posted a 0.00% winning percentage when it counts, making me strongly consider just naming all my teams “The Philadelphia Eagles” from now on.

That being said, you can understand how excited I am about how ridiculously good my team has been thus far this season. Not only did I pull off a draft of epic proportions (seriously, you would have thought I played stinkfinger with the CEO of Yahoo), I also managed to pull off a mind-bending trade/robbery to strengthen my only position of weakness. As we head into Week 3, I seriously feel like that douchebag from Avatar when he and his nine-billion-dollar army is about to blow the living fuck out of a peaceful tribe of arrow-shooters.

The only downside, of course, is that all of what I just said was in reference to my OTHER league, and in no way applies to the JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League. Ya know, the league I run, spent way more money to enter, and therefore care 250% more about. No, in the JDL my team is a steaming pile of pig vomit. Every day I get dumber just looking at it, and If it were my child I’d toss it straight off the nearest bluff like a goddamned Spartan warrior.

Read on.

The JDL - Week 2 Matchup Recaps

Yo Soy Siesta (Me) -vs- Urban Achievers (Glen) - I hate everything about Jay Cutler. I hate his stupid floppy hair. I hate his doughy face. I hate the way he always has that “I’m a trust fund baby who hates his sailing lessons” look on his face. But most of all, I hate that he was available in the seventh round of our draft, where I selected him on the bad assumption that he wouldn’t be such a fucking disease. Most would say that the worst part of Thursday night’s game against the Packers was Cutler’s horrifying performance, which included four interceptions and an assault on his left tackle. Unfortunately, the worst part was actually that I started him over RG3, who happened to score two rushing touchdowns, put up 29 points, and find a second cure for Polio. So, to sum things up: Jay Cutler is fat, RG3 slays dragons, and I’m in last place.
Urban Achievers (2-0) - 83
Yo Soy Siesta (0-2) - 75

Gem City Juicers (Drew) -vs- THE MACHINE (Tim) - Welcome to The Laughabowl. In a matchup of the league’s premier cookie enthusiasts, Drew and Tim managed to get a whopping 15 combined points out of Aaron Rodgers, Andre Johnson, Jamaal Charles, and CJ2K. Toss in Aaron Hernandez’ career day (zero touchdowns, zero yards, and one cantaloupe for an ankle) and that total jumps all the way up to 15. Not sure who had a worse day: Tim, who waved goodbye to Hernandez and lost to Drew’s traveling circus, or Bill Belichick, who must decide between signing Kellen Winslow and stabbing himself in the temple with a ballpoint pen.
Gem City Juicers (1-1) - 67
THE MACHINE (1-1) - 53

Coples Therapy (Jake) -vs- IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - From the very beginning, I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly pooping in someone’s soup signified. Now, I think I’ve got it. If you told me on Sunday morning that a fucking Dolphin would drop a 31-spot on me, I’d expect poop in my soup, cereal, and probably all over my chest as well. Reggie Bush led the way for Brent, but got help from Victor Cruz, Matty Ice, and Jake himself, who managed a paltry 69 points. The only thing more sad than Jake’s whiff is the fact that we’ve only played two weeks of football and I’m already using my own team as the sad trombone litmus test for the rest of the league. That is, if you score less than ME, you know you’ve had a bad week, and you probably deserve a punch to the colon. From now on, (and with apologies to ESPN's Matthew Berry) let’s call that the “Siesta Line”.
IpoopNurSoup (1-1) - 122
Coples Therapy (1-1) - 69

Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) -vs- NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - In the JDL Preseason Power Rankings, I ripped Spaz about seven new a-holes. His picks weren’t well-planned. He reached. He didn’t have enough Bengals. Basically everything that could have went wrong DID go wrong. Yet today he’s sitting in front of his 10-foot supercomputer, laughing maniacally and taking Scrooge McDuck swan dives into his pool of running backs. Not only does he have Doug Martin, Darren Sproles, and Cedric benson (all starters), he also managed to hit the daily double with Michael Bush and CJ Spiller, who he can sit comfortably on his bench as people offer up their 401Ks. Toss in Cam Newton, who put up 23 points of his own, and Spaz’s Death Star suddenly looks operational. Meanwhile, Don (who got dangerously close to the Siesta Line) is still wondering if Matthew Stafford is who we thought he was.
Wrinkled Brown Stars (1-1) - 105
NoVA Bath Salts (1-1) - 77

Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) -vs- Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - I feel kind of bad. It’s gotta’ be hard enough for Elise that she’s carrying Jake’s progeny (Jake is roughly the size of a silverback gorilla), but then I went and chicken-fried her team for being too old and too slow and too full of guys named Tony Romo. Well, in typical “the world loves to smite me” fashion, Elise has reeled off two wins in a row, and is being carried by two suspect running backs (McGahee and Lynch). The only good news here is that Elise’s win came at the expense of another Howard loss, which is exactly what he deserves for putting Stephen “I-was-a-triple-option-blocker-in-college” Hill in his starting lineup. Word on the street is that Howard and Elise had some action on the side (don’t be gross) and he now owes she and Jake a lovely pizza dinner. Should Howard have won, the rumor is that Elise would’ve had to name their child after him. So ultimately I’m glad Elise won, cuz’ no one in their right mind would want a son named Needledick.
Revis&Buttheads (2-0) - 89
Cromartie’s Kids (0-2) - 86

YouGotChunted (Chunt) -vs- you already know (Jen) - In middle school, I read a book for my English class that I’ll probably never forget. The book was “We All Fall Down”, by Robert Cormier, and it started with a bunch of teenage boys breaking into a stranger’s house, drunkenly trashing the place, peeing and pooping in the cupboards, and then accidentally knocking a young girl down some stairs. Maybe it was the fact that that scene was graphic as hell, or maybe it was because I felt bad for the girl who spent the whole book in a coma. OR, maybe it was because I was still a wide-eyed seventh grader who spent half of each class picking my boogers and the other half looking around and thinking “are we supposed to be reading thiisssss?”. Either way, that scene stuck with me big-time, which is probably why it’s the first thing I thought of when Chunt’s team annihilated Jen and mine in consecutive weeks. For as badly as he crushed us, you would have thought he broke down our front door, defecated on our walls, and then pushed my shiny drumset down a flight of stairs. Thank you, Chunt, for reminding us that even true love can’t protect against a good rape/pillage.
YouGotChunted (2-0) - 100
you already know (0-2) - 94

So that’s what happened this week in the JDL. A lot more happened too, and I’d love to stick around and explain, but I have to collect the broken pieces of my running back corps and try like heck to reassemble them. It’s either that or start Bernard Scott this week and be content with a total score of negative-two. In other news, that poop on my wall isn’t going to scrub itself.


Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Colonel and Dennis Green Sound-alike

The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown! JDL Week 1 Matchup Recaps

Some of my more devoted readers are probably aware that this season I co-organized a new fantasy football league. The JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League (JDL) is an attempt at simulating the experience of NFL general managers, wherein future draft picks can traded, franchise building blocks can be stockpiled, and opponents’ practices can be secretly/illegally filmed.

Well, last week I published a Preseason Power Rankings column. It was an attempt at judging each manager’s draft, based partly on their predicted standing at the end of the upcoming season, and partly on their projected success rate in future seasons. As usual, I tried to keep things completely PC. I complemented managers on shrewd maneuvers, nudged people in the right direction when they may have gone off course, and generally just tried to engender a harmonious gaming environment.

Which is why I can’t for the LIFE of me understand why, since publishing said document, so much vitriol has been sprayed my way from every foreseeable direction.

Responses ranged from genuine indignation...

“I don’t understand how in the world my team could be ranked so low! What are you basing these on? Is there some attachment I might have missed that includes a scoring matrix??”)

to self-assured nonchalance...

“Haha, get your head out of your anus. My team is going to roll yours like a goddamn pie crust.”

to things that could seriously be illegal in some states...

“If I see you in public, I WILL shoot you. That isn’t a threat, it’s a law of nature.”

Luckily, I was able to procure the guy with the dancing pecs/exploding brain from the Old Spice commercials to act as my part-time security detail, a la Will McAvoy from The Newsroom. Additionally, I’ve cancelled all my credit cards, started poking eyeholes in my newspapers, and checked into a hotel under my pseudonym, Dr. Martin Van Nostrand.

The JDL - Week 1 Matchup Recaps

Yo Soy Siesta (Me) -vs- YouGotChunted(Chunt) - Might as well get this swampy grundle out of the way from the jump. The Sports Gods hate me. I’ve known this for, oooh, basically all my life. There’s no other way to explain things like Ki-Jana Carter, Tattoo-Gate, and every Reds starting pitcher ever. It’s my personal brand of Murphy’s Law, wherein Murphy is Joe Dimaggio in angel form and the Law is “anything that CAN go wrong with Reed’s teams SHALL go wrong, no matter how improbable, and in the most annoying-fucking-way possible.” It’s why I was allowed by the fates to spend yesterday afternoon writing about how one of the most OBVIOUS things the Bengals could do to beat the Ravens was blanket Torrey Smith with multiple defenders, and yet on the very-first-bloody-play from scrimmage Joe Flacco and Smith gouge our single coverage for a 50-yard a-bomb. Over the years, I’ve learned to just smile wearily and mutter “of course”, which is exactly what I did when Chunt’s team curb-stomped mine up and down Oh Please Make It Stop Avenue this weekend. Granted, his Peterson/MJD/Foster combo led him to a #1 overall ranking in my present tense power rankings, but that didn’t quell the sting. Now I have to endure thrice-daily text messages about how his team bangs supermodels and runs marathons and mine french kisses donkeys. Fantasy football is fun.
YouGotChunted (1-0) - 106
Yo Soy Siesta (0-1) - 77

Gem City Juicers (Drew) -vs- Coples Therapy (Jake) - Initially, my brother Drew was elated to find out he’d received the first overall selection in the draft. As legend has it, he locked himself deep in the recesses of my parents’ basement, alone with his stuffed animals and dirty laundry, only to emerge a week later with a clear and cogent plan of domination. This weekend we saw that plan spring into action. Evidently, Drew’s Master Strategy was “draft Aaron Rodgers, set Bengals auto-draft to stun, and proceed with the sandwich-making.” And while it’s unclear whether Drew ever finished that egg salad sandie, what IS clear is that a team that relies on Jermaine Gresham and BenJarvus Green-Ellis will almost definitely lose every single time. Jake wins this one handily after a huge game from Julio, but suffers a major blow to his already-thin running back corps (Fred Jackson).
Coples Therapy (1-0) - 101
Gem City Juicers (0-1) - 84

IpoopNurSoup (Brent) -vs- Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - In an impressive display of defiance (I had her rated pretty low), Elise’s team shot out of the gate with 104 points in Week 1, obliterating Yahoo’s projection (81) and basically putting out the “WHATTUP NOW” bat signal to the rest of the league. While Brent’s 87 points were respectable, he’ll need more from second-rounder Victor “The Drop Zone” Cruz (five points). It’s been said that my league notes can get people a bit riled up, but I never expected Elise’s squad to respond so emphatically to the challenge.
Revis&Buttheads (1-0) - 104
IpoopNurSoup (0-1) - 87

Urban Achievers (Glen) -vs- Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - As is the case in most football contests, this one came down to the quarterbacks. Now, I won’t pretend I know what happened with Cam Newton Sunday. At his 4pm kickoff, I was busy reacquainting myself with my beloved fall ritual of going apeshit over fantasy for the entirety of the one o'clock games, only to collapse into a hoagie-induced slumber during the late afternoon. From what I can surmise, Cam completed his descent from Cloud Nine, only to crash head-first into a mediocre team from Tampa and ultimately doom Spaz’s youth movement. Glen didn’t get much from Eli either, but Shonn Greene took a vacation from sloth for a day to put up 15, and that proved to be enough.
Urban Achievers (1-0) - 84
Wrinkled Brown Stars (0-1) - 80

THE MACHINE (Tim) -vs- Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - Two impressive point totals from two teams I expected to be impressive. For Tim, Michael Vick showed why he’s regarded as such a fantasy weapon. Despite throwing four picks, attempting to throw like seven more, and perfecting the “please end my career” headfirst slide, Marley and Me managed to put up 17 points. On Howard’s side, Drew Brees continued his ongoing campaign to make New Orleans forget about hurricanes/toothless citizens by putting up a solid 20-spot. In the end though, this battle came down to Andre Johnson vs Greg Jennings, and in an all-time role reversal, Jennings left limping badly. If I’m Tim, I’m happy about the win but concerned that injury risks like Vick, Johnson, Kevin Smith won’t always be there to carry him.
THE MACHINE (1-0) - 96
Cromartie’s Kids (0-1) - 90

you already know (Jen) -vs- NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - It’d be one thing if Jen and Don hadn’t spent the week exchanging friendly banter which steadily escalated into not-so-friendly banter until finally arriving at people threatening to eat each other's body parts. Or, if Jen hadn’t spent the week leading up to the draft wringing her hands over her strategy and grousing about how it wasn’t fair that all the boys knew so much more about football than her (“Isaac Redman? Who the f%ck is Isaac Redman??”) Unfortunately, both of those scenarios absolutely happened, leaving the Journeywoman high and dry when her team barely managed to outscore the ACTUAL Baltimore Ravens. Of course, it didn’t help that Don’s squad (ranked by me as the WORST team, as it pertained to success in the current season) got double-digit contributions from unlikely sources (Demaryius Thomas, Stevan Ridley, Malcom Floyd). All in all, Jen exited the match-up feeling almost exactly the same as Ralphie when he realized the message he’d finally managed to decode was nothing more than a crummy commercial. Son of a bitch.
NoVA Bath Salts (1-0) - 105
you already know (0-1) - 44

Tune in next week as the JDL web continues to be spun. Hopefully by that time me, my wife, or someone in my extended family will stumble our way into a victory. Until then, the Domer-Shank flag will be at half-mast.


Reed Domer-Shank
JDL Commissioner and Fantasy Simpleton

The J-Man's Monday Night Football Primer: Bengals vs Ravens

Let’s get this out of the way right now: I’d be surprised if the Bengals won tonight.

It’s a Monday night in Baltimore. It’s the Ravens’ home opener. Throw in the fact that Baltimore figurehead Art Modell bit the dust recently, and it’s a safe bet those fans will be spitting blood and smearing paste on their face by kick off.

I won’t say the Bengals can’t win. If there’s a consistently great team in the NFL that I think the Bengals can beat, it’s Baltimore (as opposed to, say, the Patriots/Steelers/Packers). After all, it’s happened plenty (Marvin Lewis is 10-8 against the Ravens in his nine seasons as Bengals HC). But, being that the crowd will be wild and (if we’re being honest) the Ravens are still just a better team, a lot has to go right.

Here are three things the Bengals must do in order to take 1,0,0,0 lead in the AFC North:

1) Pressure the bijesus out of Joe Flacco. Every year we hear about the steps Flacco’s made in the offseason. About how he’s ready to make the Ravens “his team.” Say what you want, but as someone who follows this division closely, Joe Flacco is puke. Sure, he was one Lee Evans boner away from going to the Super Bowl. But he’s also playing for a franchise that won a Superbowl with Trent “Dough Boy” Dilfer, so you could say he’s still a tad behind the curve. The Bengals have emerging stars Geno Atkins, Michael Johnson, and Domata Peko on their D-line, all guys who can drive offenses bonkers. The Ravens will counter with a patchwork offensive line that will be up to its rolly-polly neck trying to give Ray Rice a few inches. D-coordinator Mike Zimmer needs to take full advantage of that mismatch. I say bring fiery bile to Flacco’s doorstep and see how he responds. Chances are he’ll throw a couple balls that even I could pick off, and I’m an undersized white guy who eats too much cheese.

2) Realize there are only three ways the Ravens can score. Previously, I mentioned Ray Rice. There’s absolutely no way to minimize the effect this guy can have on a game. There’s a stat floating around out there about how he’s broken off more 50+-yard runs versus the Bengals than any other back since the Triassic Period. Now, I could very well have made that up, but the point is that Ray Rice heads the list of Bengal killers. There’s a reason he’s a consensus top Fantasy pick every year. The guy sees daylight, runs to it, and takes a giant doo-doo on its head. Containing him (not stopping him, because that’s inconceivable), is of paramount importance. With Thomas Howard, Rey Maualuga, and Manny Lawson, the Bengals have the personnel to pull this off. I'm just hoping Rice doesn’t juke them all out of their shoes on one play, causing them to collide and land in a heap with X’s over their eyes and cartoon birds circling their heads. Sadly, this is a distinct possibility.

The only other offensive weapon I see on the Ravens’ roster is second-year speedster Torrey Smith. Pundits often talk about receivers who have the speed to “take the top off” a defense. Smith can take the top off, slice it into a hundred pieces, and sprinkle it over his dinner salad like goat cheese. That’s how fast he is. I say play it safe with this dude. Double coverage at all times with free safety Reggie Nelson and second CB Nate Clements. That’ll leave number one corner Leon Hall in single coverage on Jacoby Jones (another guy who can put a defense on his salad), and any combination of Adam Jones/Terence Newman/ the-overweight-cocktail-server-in-skybox-7 to deal with Anquan Boldin, aka Leadfoot McGhee.

That’s two. Two guys I think can beat us. And that may be enough, unfortunately. However, the third threat on the Raven’s roster is their defense, and it will remain that way until someone decides to stake Ed Reed and Ray Lewis. Last time around, Andy Dalton tossed three picks and the Bengals lost. And besides that lovely Rice-ran-for-two-thousand-yards footnote, the picks were really the beginning and end of the story. Dalton needs to keep the ball away from the ballhawks. Short passes to Jermaine Gresham and Andrew Hawkins. Quick dumps to the Law Firm. Anything to amp up the frustration in the Raven secondary so that midway through the third quarter my man-crush (AJ Green) can sneak over the top for a 60-yard coffin-nailer.

Easy-peasy.

3) Get one guy to step up. As much as we know about the Ravens’ dearth of weapons, ya’ll best believe they know about ours. Think about it. Green is really the only Bengal that scares anyone (assuming you don’t include Pacman Jones/all the other guys who at one point or another brandished guns in public). However, as Bengals fans we KNOW there is talent on the roster beyond AJ. We love the quickness of the slot receiver Hawkins, aka the Human Waterbug. We also love the progress shown by our number two receivers, Armon Binns and Brandon Tate. Still, all those guys have about two NFL snaps between them, so to expect fireworks of any kind from them would be foolish.

My hope is that Gresham picks tonight to establish himself. On paper, there’s nothing guys like Jimmy Graham, Ron Gronkowski, or any other receiving tight end in the league has that Jermaine doesn’t. He’s tall, he’s got hands the size of trash can lids, and he’s got the speed/strength combo to drag a DB ten yards. So, despite the fact that they seem to breed quality linebackers in John Harbaugh’s laundry room, I’d like to think the Raven’s don’t have the answer for big Jermaine. Assuming AJ Green gets pummeled by double-teams all night long (he will - everyone loves to touch him), someone has to answer the call, and we don’t seem to have anyone better.


* * *


So that’s it. That’s what I’ve got. It seems simple. But then again, try telling Marvin Lewis that containing Ray Rice/keeping the ball away from Ed Reed/turning Jermaine Gresham into Jimmy Graham is simple, and he’ll probably make you do an Oklahoma Drill with one of those face-eating zombies from Miami. The fact is, it’s never that simple, especially in division, and especially against a 12-4 team like Baltimore.

Game’s at 7. Here’s to 1-0. Who Dey.

Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Bawse and Future Mr. Green

JDL: 2012 Preseason Power Rankings

Last Thursday, the Charter Members of the JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League hunkered down for our inaugural player draft. (And for all details/explanation/tall tales of this new, involved fantasy football league, click HERE.) The draft itself was one part wild west showdown, one part fire drill, and about six parts blind man trying to cross a busy street. And when the smoke cleared one hour and forty-seven minutes later, things had gone about exactly as we all expected.

Injured guys were drafted. Rookie QB’s were taken as early as the fourth. And league managers from Oklahoma to Connecticut to DC struggled to understand just how the f^ck NFL front offices do what they do.

I sat down last night to do my commissionerly duties and tap out an introductory league note in the form of Preseason Power Rankings. In most fantasy leagues, Power Rankings are pretty straightforward: they tell you who’s the best right now. In ours, however, this first draft was a monumental undertaking for every manager. It was the one golden opportunity to set one’s franchise up for the long haul. So that’s how I graded.

I ranked each squad, 1 to 12, based on a) their strength as it pertains to winning this year, and then b) to winning in the years to come. By adding those two rankings, I came up with each team’s total score (lowest total rank = best score). And then finally, I list each teams “Key Dynasty Picks”, which, to me, are the guys who I can see being a good value, even as their draft round elevates in each subsequent year that they are “kept”. Quality and quantity were weighed evenly.

Here’s how it all panned out...

1) Yo Soy Siesta (ME) - When I sit down to write Preseason Power Rankings, I always have one rule: rank myself first. Why? Because I’m the commissioner, and intimidation is my most valuable asset. That and my tank tops. Similar to any athlete who’s ever taken the field after the age of seven, it’s my belief that I’m the best that empowers me to actually be the best. When’s the last time you heard a championship-caliber competitor say “Yeah, I’m probably the sixth or seventh most talented guy out here”, or “I’d just love to not get beaten by 30.” It doesn’t happen. Like T.O., Freddie Mitchell, and the self-described “best shooter on the planet” Damon Jones, I choose unwarranted/irrational confidence over self-awareness every time.
Present Rank: 5
Future Rank: 1
Key Dynasty Picks: Trent Richardson (2), Antonio Brown (4), RGIII (6), Coby Fleener (14)

2) Coples Therapy (Jake) - What kind of co-commish would I be if I didn’t feed my running mate a little of the same Serum Arroggancio that I had for myself? Seriously though, it was clear that Jake and I spent the most time studying the league constitution, which isn’t necessarily a stone-cold shocker, considering we’re the ones who wrote it. Similar to my roster (which I didn’t even attempt to justify because all of you would just call me a homer bunghole anyway), Jake’s squad is well thought out. With Ray Rice and Fred Jackson, he’s got a great 1-2 running back punch. And with an eye toward sustainability, I like Torrey Smith in the seventh and LOVE Jared Cook in the tenth.
Present Rank: 6
Future Rank: 2
Key Dynasty Picks: Smith (7), Cook (10), Mikel Leshoure (11)

3) THE MACHINE (Tim) - Boom or bust. Look up and down Tim’s roster and that’s all you see. Questions of production (Chris Johnson), character (Dez Bryant), and health (Andre Johnson/Ryan Matthews/Michael Vick) dominate his early rounds. Still, to have all of those guys at their fantasy peaks would be quite a sight to behold. Chances are pretty good that Andre will stub his toe tonight and be out for the next two years, Dez will sell the remaining 22% of his soul to the Devil, and Timmy’s chances at glory will be ground into the turf like Mike Vick in Week 2. However, I had a wonderful breakfast this morning, so here’s to optimism.
Present Rank: 3
Future Rank: 5
Key Dynasty Picks: Matthews (2), Justin Blackmon (9), Jonathan Dwyer (13)

4) Urban Achievers (Glen) - Glen’s team name is an obvious homage to one of the great movies of our generation, The Big Lebowski. Obvious enough that the whole “let’s pretend to be the Dude and treat the draft like one big acid flashback” schtick was probably unnecessary. Starting with his late arrival to the draft lobby, which caused him to auto-draft his most important pick, Glen seemed to be taking his nihilism (“WE BELIEVES IN NOTHING!”) to the extreme (“WE CUTS OFF YOUR JOHNSON!”) Then something weird happened. Something very un-dude. I analyzed his draft and realized it wasn’t that bad. I actually really like McFadden/Murray as RBs 1 and 2, and I think Eli will have an impressive year. Toss in Hakeem Nicks and Percy Harvin, and you’ve got a pretty formidable core. Turns out ol’ Donnie wasn’t so far out of his element after all.
Present Rank: 4
Future Rank: 7
Key Dynasty Picks: Murray (2), Harvin (5), Reggie Wayne (10)

5) IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - I had a draft party Thursday night. It consisted of Me, my wife Jen, and Brent, who spent the night a) convincing us his team name wasn’t 100% retarded, and b) advising Jen not to pick guys who he would turn around and pick six minutes later, prompting her to “take a bathroom break”, aka a break to sneak out and piss in his gas tank. At least that’s how I imagine it. For the Fart Captain’s team to succeed this year, he’ll need to hit on reaches like Victor Cruz (second round), Matt Ryan (third), and Brandon Pettigrew (sixth). He’s set up nicely for future drafts though, as shown below.
Present Rank: 8
Future Rank: 3
Key Dynasty Picks: Ryan (3), Mike Wallace (4), Pettigrew (6), Jake Locker (12)

6) YouGotChunted (Chunt) - It was clear that Chunt didn’t read the league constitution before drafting, but I’ll take partial blame for that, being that it wasn’t drawn in crayon. His first three picks (Foster, MJD, Peterson) look fearsome on paper, but with the way the keeper tiers are set up, there’s no way he can keep both Foster and Mojo, and Peterson will need to be taken in next year’s second round, a tough spot for a guy with a bionic knee. We’ll all be up to our gills in trash talk this year as Chunts squad comes away with a lot of big victories (he also has Peyton Manning, Maclin, and Stevie Johnson), but next year’s Chunt-cupboard looks really bare.
Present Rank: 1
Future Rank: 12
Key Dynasty Picks: Kenny Britt (9), Greg Little (14)

7) Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - Howie was one of the one’s making jokes as Glen (seemingly) spent the draft smoking joints in his bathtub and listening to whale sounds. So I wouldn’t be surprised to get some type of demanding retraction request after he sees that he’s ranked lower than El Duderino himself. The fact is, much like Chunt, Cromartie’s Kids are all growned up, leaving very little room for advancement in the coming seasons. Brees, Jennings, Turner, and Gore should all give him a good shot for at least one ring though. And then they’ll all go to bed at eight.
Present Rank: 2
Future Rank: 11
Key Dynasty Picks: Kyle Rudolph (13)

8) Gem City Juicers (Drew) - Drew did what every fan always WANTS to do, but never really does because they don’t enjoy flushing their league fees down the toilet. That is, he drafted his favorite team’s whole offense. AJ Green was a certainly understandable in Round 3, but then he continued to poach every Bengal in sight, including BenJarvus in the fourth and Jermaine Gresham in the seventh (a major reach). I actually had stop him from drafting Katie Blackburn, the Bengals VP and contract-negotiating guru. He’s spent the next few days searching for her on waivers.
Present Rank: 7
Future Rank: 6
Key Dynasty Picks: Green (3), Eric Decker (5)

9) NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - I will never be a fan of a QB/TE in Rounds 1 and 2, simply because they are positions where people generally get one and wait two hours to get another, meaning there are PLENTY of good values to be had later on. Don went with Stafford and Graham with his first two choices and, as a result, he’ll be starting the Giants’ number one AND two running backs in tonight’s season opener. Oh-by-the-way, the Giants were dead last in rushing last year. Dead last.
Present Rank: 12
Future Rank: 4
Key Dynasty Picks: Larry Fitzgerald (3), David Wilson (6), Titus Young (7), Russell Wilson (10)

10) you already know (Jen) - Jen reminded me of what an awesome idea it was to include my wife in the league last night when she saw her position in my preliminary team rankings and promptly instituted a “no touch” embargo for the rest of the evening. A lesser man would have caved, but I decided a long time ago that there’s no way I would ever negotiate with terrorists, so I’m standing by that today. Besides, those deflector shields can’t stay up all season. I don’t think.
Present Rank: 9
Future Rank: 9
Key Dynasty Picks: Vincent Jackson (6), Jacob Tamme (10), Rashard Mendenhall (11)

11) Revis and Buttheads (Elise) - Similar to Jen, I expect Elise to fry my cajones for ranking her this low. However, a gimpy Marshawn Lynch and a 50-year-old Willis Mcgahee just doesn’t make for a scary RB tandem, and taking Andrew Luck in the fourth round is an unignorable reach...even for a guy like Andrew Luck. Elise won her league two years ago. Not again. Not even close.
Present Rank: 10
Future Rank: 8
Key Dynasty Picks: Luck (4), Michael Crabtree (10), Robert Turbin (13)

12) Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - It was clear that Spaz had no regard for this season, as almost all of his picks seemed to be dynasty-oriented. That being said, I’m not sure how sound his strategy was. With the eighth overall pick in the draft, he went with Cam. Which is fine if he’s your future anchor. However, that completely nullifies the selection of Tampa Bay rookie Doug Martin in the second round, because Martin will elevate to a first rounder next season and Spaz can’t keep both. Decisions like that dot his roster, as do some clear reaches (Spiller in the fifth?). I love my boy Spaz-mataz, so all I can say is “prove me wrong, broseph, prove me wrong”.
Present Rank: 11
Future Rank: 10
Key Dynasty Picks: Cedric Benson (9), Sam Bradford (13), Brian Quick (14)

Play begins tonight, as the ‘Boys visit the G-Men. Until then, we’re all tied for first.

Go Bengals.

Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Comptroller and Chief Antagonist