Introducing: The JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League!

I recently realized something that 90 percent of you probably already knew: I’m obsessed with sports.

When the alarm blares in the morning, I check my phone for the late games’ fantasy stats. After I’m dressed, I open the laptop to make sure my lineup is set. After that, I spend at least ZERO* hours of every day at work consuming at least five different websites full of sports info. Then, after hitting the gym (where I’ll ACCIDENTALLY find myself jogging to the the NFL theme song), I spend my evenings watching whichever of my teams is in season, while monitoring the live scoring app for whatever fantasy league/pool/geekfest I’m involved with at the time.

* (On the off chance that someone from work is reading this, I am sticking with zero hours. ZERO.)

I don’t say all this because I think it’s impressive, or even a positive quality by any stretch of the imagination. If anything, it’s probably closer to a mental illness. My point is that when the opportunity arose to start a fantasy football league this summer, I couldn’t help but look for something different. See, I’ve done fantasy sports for almost 10 years straight, and it’s always the same. Fun, yes, but full of the one aspect of sports that I absolutely loathe:

LUCK.

Luck dictates so much of what occurs in fantasy sports, it’s insane. Sure, the draft takes some skill and research, but no one ever has any control of what draft pick they’re getting, or which players get injured. And at the end of the season, all the players from your team (the team you worked so hard to build/ F-up royally) get tossed back into the same pool, mercenary commodities just waiting to be plucked up by someone new next year.

Well, this year, together with my right-hand man/sports-obsessed other half, we’ve decided to do something different. I won’t bore you with what amounts to over five single-spaced pages of rules (our league “constitution”), but here’s the gist of our brain-child:

- Draft position will be based on previous year’s standings, just like in the pros.
- Penalties will be assessed towards managers who don’t set their lineups/pay attention. No lightweights allowed, please and thanks.
- Trading of draft picks can happen, up to two years out. Prepare to be Belichicked.
- Keepers will be integral. No less than four per year, per team.
- Keepers will be placed into tiers, based on previous year’s draft position, wherein managers can only select one keeper from each. Forced parity goes head to head with individual foresight.

The list goes on and on, but the vision is simple: put planning at the forefront. Manage an organization, not a team. Win with smarts and dedication, not because you were lucky enough to get Arian Foster. Create a dynasty.

Tonight, at 7:45pm, things kick off with the first annual player draft. Having never participated in a keeper league (let alone a dynasty league), I have no idea what to expect. I’m pretty sure none of my league-mates do either. Just as easily as Aaron Rodgers could go first overall, some far-thinking moneyballer could take a backup running back in Round 3, or RGIII in the fourth. It’s going to be a wild affair.

As this season marches forward, dreams will be crushed, fates realized, and fortunes turned. Best friends will become sworn enemies, up will become down, and at least four or five people will be found at the bottom of the Hudson. And I will be here, on JOURNEYMEN, documenting it all. Hopefully you’ll pop in once and awhile to see how things are going - or to confirm your original opinion that all of this sounds like wayyyyy too much work. Before any of that though, I should introduce our players.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 12 Charter Members of the JOURNEYMEN Dynasty League (in order of draft position)...

1. Gem City Juicers (Drew) - First pick in the draft, first in our hearts, and first in the “Most-likely -to-forget-which-day-the-draft-is” sweepstakes. In fact, my older brother actually already claimed that prize, having rushed home from work last Thursday only to find out the draft wasn’t for another seven days, prompting him to leave me a frustrated/confused voicemail. Drew’s passions include online poker, sleeping during the day, and eating mayonnaise. Allegiance: Bengals

2. IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - I met Brent a few years ago, when he started dating my wife’s best friend. Since then, we’ve been to countless sporting events, co-chaired a Beer Olympics Committee, and embarked on a life-changing mission trip to New Orleans. In his spare time Brent enjoys rec lacrosse, playing skin flute in his House Band, and adding to his collection of Snickers wrappers. Allegiance: Eagles

3.YouGotChunted (Chunt) - Allowing Chunt to play in the league is proof-positive that I don’t discriminate on the basis of age, race, sex, or maturity. That is, I have no problem admitting white males who get absolutely zero sex and constantly act like they’re in middle school. Seriously, the league hasn’t even officially begun and I’ve already received three emails from Chunt; all accusatory in nature, all fraught with syntax errors. When he’s not asking me ridiculous questions like “is the draft Central time?”, Chunt enjoys playing golf, eating bacon, and passing out in the room that holds the ice-maker in hotels. Allegiance: Texans

4. Coples Therapy (Jake) - As co-commissioner of the JOURNEYMEN League, Jake has several responsibilities: a) agree with me on everything, b) send threatening emails to anyone who doesn’t comply with the League Bylaws, and most importantly c) make sure his brother pays his league dues. I trust him to do this because he was the best man in my wedding, and has gotten me out of countless jams throughout our storied history. In his spare time, Jake coaches a mens softball team, does yard work, and sports a faux-hawk that is 80% faux. Allegiance: Jets

5. Revis&Buttheads (Elise) - Like every God-fearing woman should, Elise has allowed her husband (Jake) to stand first in line and claim the juiciest, most tender of morsels, content to stand to the side and make do with the scraps. At least that’s how Jake described it when he told me she was directly after him in the draft order. What an asshole that guy is. Elise’s top hobbies include: making/eating taco dip, falling asleep at nine, and shake-weighting.
Allegiance: Jets/Saints

6. Urban Achievers (Glen) - Older brother of the co-commish, Glen is a father of two and was recently hired by Facebook to make sure everyone knows Ron Paul exists. Either that or hired by Ron Paul to make sure everyone knows Facebook exists. One of the two. When he’s not disseminating political cartoons and/or spending all day talking about how hard Obama has made it for hard-working people to find jobs, Glen likes to...alright that’s basically all Glen likes to do. Allegiance: Jets

7. You Already Know (Jen) - As wife of the Journey Man himself, Jen (the Journey Woman?) is lucky enough to live in a household completely dominated by sports. Floor mats, flags, coasters, etc. It’s all there. In our four years together, she’s been the gracious one, accepting and assuming (to a degree) my obsession with the Reds, Bengals, and especially those Silver Bullets from the O-H-I-O. But when she’s not putting up with all that BS, Jen loves to bake cookies, watch shows meant for pre-teens (Teen Wolf?), and pretend she knows where her phone is.
Allegiance: Bengals

8. Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) - I met Spaz few years ago when he showed up as an extra at one of my softball games. Spaz put on quite an exhibition that day, diving for fly balls, gutting out infield dribblers, and kissing every baby in sight. Since then, he’s barely missed a game, and has won several single-season awards for “Most Knee Braces”. Winner of the first annual NFL Postseason Fantasy League last January, Spaz rides a tidal wave of confidence into the first season of the JDL. His hobbies include sampling fresh oranges and kissing puppies on the mouth.
Allegiance: Eagles

9. NoVA Bath Salts (Don) - I met Don last November, when myself and the J-Woman were honeymooning in Mexico. I knew immediately that he was my kind of guy, mainly because he was sitting shitcanned with his wife at el empty-ass discoteca, looking for someone to talk fantasy sports with. Over the next nine minutes, Don would go on to tell me that he was getting old (almost 30), that he had sampled every single drink the resort had to offer (he had only had four electric lemonades), and that there was no possible way he was the one who poured all that Cuervo into my beer when I wasn’t looking. I know a straight-shooter when I see one, so I quickly added him as a stone-cold bannerman. This WVU grad’s hobbies include running a mixology school out of his kitchen and sending affectionate tweets to Bryce Harper. Allegiance: Redskins

10. THE MACHINE (Tim) - When entering into different forms of competition, I try to find every way to size up my opponents. When I found out my buddy, Tim, from Philly would be joining the League of Champions, I immediately challenged him to a game of Words With Friends, to test his analytical and intestinal fortitude. That game recently ended with me beating him by like 300 points, and I’m pretty sure his best word was “have”. Therefore, if his team is indeed a machine, I picture it being about as effective as this one. In his spare time, Tim enjoys drinking heavy amounts of light beer, wearing Lilly Pulitzer, and darkening the tint on his car windows. Allegiance: Eagles

11. Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) - Howard is a childhood friend of Jake’s, who over the years I’ve had the pleasure of spending some time with and getting to know on an intimate level. And, by intimate, I mean pretty much every time we hang out I end up getting annihilated on some type of expired Mexican lager. Similar to Chunt’s whining, Howard and his law degree have already carved out a role for themselves in the league, which is “guy-who-constantly- questions-the-rules”. News-flash Howie: your Jedi mind tricks won’t work in this cantina. Due to a recent major back surgery, Howard’s activities have been reduced to riding elevators, accepting help to cross the street, and wearing orthopedic shoes. Allegiance: Jets

And, finally...

12. Yo Soy Siesta (Reed) - Yup, this guy got the last pick. I suppose that’s what I deserve for picking ass-clowns like Michael Vick and Rashard Mendenhall in the first round of my two drafts last season. My solemn swear to the charter members of this harem is this, and only this: I will crush you all. Mercilessly. And, by that I mean I will come in at best 7th, at worst 13th (12-team league) like I always-effing-do. Mark my words, I will draft poorly, incur scads of injuries, and be forced to start Horatio Sanz at tight end by Week 8. My roster will be laughable, I’ll attempt to build around guys like Beanie Wells and Greg Little, and at the end of the day, every single joke I’ve made in this blog will be on me. Allegiance: Bengals

It’s going to be an exciting season ladies and grunts. Let’s get it started.

Love, Sex, and Fear da' Tiger.

Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN FFL Commissioner and Primary Karma Pincushion

The 10 Funniest Characters on TV

As a kid, I didn’t watch much TV.

In fact, there were stretches of time when my family didn’t even own one. And even when we did, it was a dusty old POS that my parents kept in the cabinet under the stairs, Harry Potter-style. It would appear for Reds games sometimes, or when my brothers or I were sick and home from school. But that was it.

No Saturday morning cartoons. No nightly news. No Disney VHS tapes.

The idiot box was persona non grata at the D-S house, and if anyone wasn’t sure, all they had to do was read the bumper sticker on my parents’ Subaru, which advocated for a “TV-Free America!”

As a kid surrounded by other kids who were in the glorious infancy of their Nintendo-era nerdom, I resented my folks for their TV protest. Basically, I didn’t give a shoot about my brain turning to chowder because I was dying to watch Ducktails and Tailspin and Ninja Turtles like every other kid on my block. For a 7 year-old kid, there was just about nothing in the world worse than sitting at home, missing out on stuff that other kids got to do.

It chapped my ass. Big time. Which is why these days I watch as much TV as possible.

Sports, sitcoms, HBO, I love it all. That’s right, in a subconscious (read:entirely conscious and mildly vindictive) showing of adult rebellion, I pack hours and hours of TV into my skull every week, with no intention of stopping. And though that admission will probably saddle me with a massive negative stigma in a lot of people’s eyes, I’d advise all of you to jump off your high horses, for three reasons:

1) My brain still probably has much less of a mush-component than everyone else due to the head start I got when I was forced to spend every day of my childhood making puzzle museums.

2) Even now, at least 80% of you watch as much TV as I do. There ain’t that much else to do after work on Tuesday and you know it.

3) TV is awesome.

Now, contrary to what you might be thinking, the purpose of this circuitous intro wasn’t to bore you, nor was it to make you feel bad for 7-year-old Reed. 7-year-old Reed played a ton of baseball, ate massive amounts of candy and had crushes on mad babes, so you could say he did just fine.

Instead, my intent was to explain that as a result of my young-adulthood TV renaissance, I’ve become somewhat of an authority. Enough, at least, to put down my emphatic two cents when a debate erupted at my job this week. The question was “who are the funniest characters on TV?.” And seeing as this clearly qualified as an office-morale-strengthening situation, I spent the next few days at my desk fashioning what I think is a very defensible list (while also taking the liberty of expensing my subscription to Hulu.)

My methodology was pretty simple: which characters (on shows that have not yet reverted to just re-runs) make me laugh the most, and what percentage of those laughs are genuine and not just half-ass chuckles?

So, here are my 10, in order. Sorry Tyler Perry, Mr. Brown didn't make the cut.

10. Kenny Powers, “Eastbound and Down” - When I started developing my list, I quickly realized that there are several types of funny. Kenny Powers falls into the “mix f-bombs with a bunch of racial/sexual/cultural ignorance and see just how far we can push the envelope” category. Kenny is 10th on my list mainly because I think sometimes he is almost a caricature of himself. TOO cracked out. TOO slovenly. TOO much of a fucking idiot. His gold lies in his subtlety. Like where you can hardly tell if his mumbling to Stevie’s Mexican girlfriend to go hop back on her donkey was scripted, or just another glimpse of Danny McBride’s demented genius.

9. Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory” - Sheldon is to The Big Bang Theory as Lebron was to the Cavs and Justin Timberlake was to Nsync. That is, without him, the show would be a total ______ (insert loud fart noise). Sure, neighbor Penny is a total smokeshow, and the squirrely Walowitz has his moments, but Sheldon’s arrogance/social ineptitude are what propelled TBBT into “TBS wants to constantly play our re-runs” territory. Turns out nerds really CAN be popular. Bazinga, cool kids.

8. Dwight Schrute, “The Office” - Don’t get me wrong, The Office buh-loooooooooooooows these days. Like, extremely hard. Because as it turned out, trying to fill the hole Steve Carell left was like parking a bicycle in an airplane hanger. But Dwight Schrute (the great-great-great-grandson of Dwide Schrude, if you’ll remember) has paid his dues. When he was just an assistant-to-the-regional-manager, Dwight may have been the best of all. Now, unfortunately, he’s just window dressing as one of the best shows of our generation continues to be a staggering mess.

7. “Sweet” Dee Reynolds, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” - I’d be lying if I said I didn’t choose Dee partly because she’s a woman. I did, but only because female characters are almost never funny, and that's not even a little bit of an overstatement. Charlie or Mac or Dennis could all make separate cases to be on this list, but I went with Dee because she’s by far the most hilarious female on television, and I think that should count for something (honorable mention goes to Amy Poehler.) Whether she’s dating a retarded person, learning amazing dance moves from inflatable signs, or dry heaving (Oh sweet baby Jesus, the dry heaving), Sweet Dee routinely makes me soil my boxer briefs. In a good way.

6. Adam Demamp, “Workoholics” - Demamp’s qualifications for Funniest Newcomer honors include: spitting chewed-up candy onto a dead woman, making pee-flavored beef jerky, bringing prostitutes to a Chucky Cheese, being willing to blow a guy for $900 bucks, and doggystyling a girl off a high-dive. The Academy approves.

5. Tom Haverford, “Parks and Recreation” - Played by successful standup comedian Aziz Ansari, Tom Haverford is one of only a few on this list who wouldn’t be considered a main character, which I think works to his advantage. See, while Tom is fine in large doses, he’s much more effective popping in and out of episodes and contributing virtually nothing to the plot. This affords him time to put on office fashion shows, come up with the sickest pick-up strategies, and just be generally innovative. Not to mention, he calls eggs “future birds.” When in doubt, ladies n’ gents, TREAT YO SELF.

4. Fred Schmidt, “The New Girl” - First of all, who knew Schmidt’s first name was FRED? GOOGLE did, that’s who. Second, who ever thought Zooey Deschanel’s pet project would last more than four episodes?? Not this guy, mainly because Deschanel herself is incredibly irritating. Enter Schmidt. Once a fat college geek, “New Girl” shows us Schmidt in the prime of his young adulthood; chasing skirts, listening to house music, and working on his core. However, it’s the other side of Schmidt that’s responsible for all the buzz (and, ostensibly, gotten him nominated for an Emmy). The side that craves a good moisturizer. The side that calls sweaters cardigans. And, ya’ know, the side that just can’t seem to escape the Douchebag Jar. Croquet cleats. Classic.

3. Phil Dunphy, “Modern Family” - Schmidt’s overstated ridiculousness might be his bread and butter, but Phil Dunphy, the dad on the best sitcom on TV, relies instead on subtlety. Like a lot of television dads, Phil plays the “lovably clueless” role. But unlike a lot of shows, Modern Family’s writing is outstanding, so instead of just seeming like a one-dimensional dunce, Phil’s also able to drop one-line bombs like this one with regularity.

2. Barney Stinson, “How I Met Your Mother” - At some point, HIMYM will have to end. Jason Segel is too famous, Alyson Hannigan can’t stop getting pregnant, and Josh Radnor by himself would be lamer than Whitney. It’ll be a shame, though, when it happens, because Neil Patrick Harris is freaking comedy gold. Frankly, Stinson won me over as soon as I saw the life-size Stormtrooper costume in his apartment. That would have been all I needed. But then he went on to give us the slap bet, “legendary”, and the idea to make a child’s middle name “Wait-For-It.” Hard to find a character on TV with more laughs per second.

1. Cam Tucker, “Modern Family” - The best way to make the the general American populace feel OK about watching gay guys on primetime is to make one of them absolutely hilarious. And ever since he introduced his adopted Asian baby by dimming the lights and blaring the Lion King theme song, the sleep-clowning, Meryl-Streep-loving Cam has continued to fit the bill. Cam is everything you want in a comedy actor; he’s endearing, he’s believable (for a heterosexual, actor Eric Stonestreet plays a gay guy extremely well), and his timing is spot on. I’m not exaggerating when I say I would watch a show that was nothing but Cam screaming. Seriously, not sure why someone hasn’t made that yet. 2010 Emmy in hand, Cam Tucker runs away with the top spot in this list, and looks like this doing it.

* * *

Disagree with the order? Think I left someone out? Let me know in the comments section, or hit me on Facebook -- if you make a convincing enough case, I’ll make the change, and possibly even add you as a guest contributor. You can’t beat that.



Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Editor and Rotten Tomato Cultivation Specialist

The Plan for Jonathan Broxton...I Think

On December 23, 2011, the Cincinnati Reds traded for Sean Marshall, and it just didn’t make sense.

The lefty relief pitcher only had one-year left on his contract, and seemed poised to eventually parlay his success into a profitable free agent deal. Not to mention, the Reds were already flush with talented bullpen arms, including lefty specialist Bill Bray.

And, most importantly, in order to acquire Marshall the Reds had to send starting pitcher Travis Wood and outfielder Dave Sappelt to the Cubs, both of whom were lauded Cincinnati prospects who seemed ready to take the next step. (Wood especially, as exhibited in his near-perfect game on July 10, 2010.)

It seemed like a lot to give up for a one-year bullpen stopgap, and many of us in Reds Country were left scratching our heads.

Then, on February 27, Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty showed his hand.

Marshall agreed to a three-year contract extension, pledging his services through the 2015 season, and immediately the conjecture began to surge. Because even though closer Ryan Madson was signed to a one-year deal in January, it suddenly seemed likely that the Marshall move was made with an eye on the future; a future where the Reds could enjoy the services of a shutdown reliever in 2013 and beyond for the price of a set-up man. Marshall, it seemed, was was the closer in-waiting.

Suddenly, the trade made a little more sense.

Flash-forward to Tuesday, where for about nine hours Reds fans like me sat at our desks repeatedly refreshing our Twitter accounts, waiting for Jon Heyman or Buster Olney or anyone else to announce the acquisition of Juan Pierre, Shane Victorino, Hunter Pence, or a another capable bat from a team that didn’t happen to be the face-planting Phillies.

Around 3:00 PM, it was reported by multiple media outlets that Jocketty had made another unexpected move for a back-end reliever, this time Jonathan Broxton of the Kansas City Royals. At the time, Broxton was 1-2 with a 2.27 ERA, and had amassed 23 saves as KC’s unquestioned closer.

Despite his good numbers (not dominant, but good) and proven track record (named an All-Star in 2009 and 2010 as a Dodger), the trade for Broxton had many Reds fans confused again. Owners of the best bullpen ERA in all of baseball, it didn’t seem like the Reds were in need of a bullpen upgrade, especially one that required trading away an arm like Donnie Joseph, a prospect with closer-like stuff. Plus, the Reds had several other holes that needed filling.

Admittedly, the trade led me down that same path as well, at first. But it didn’t take me long to come to two very important conclusions...

First, Aroldis Chapman won’t be the Reds’ closer forever (probably.) As electric as the Cuban Cannon has been, everyone from here to Peru just kind of assumes that he’ll end up in the rotation. That means we’ll need a closer, and we’ll probably need one soon.

Second, Sean Marshall was just plain mediocre in the closer’s role, after being thrust into it when Madson went under the knife in spring training. Through almost two months of the season (and up until he lost the closer’s role on May 20), Marshall posted a 5.02 ERA and looked positively flappable on the mound. However, back in his familiar setup role, Marshall went on to post a 0.77 ERA in June and a 1.64 ERA in July. As it turned out, Marshall’s christening as the Reds’ closer of the future may have been premature.

Now, I should make it clear that in no way should what I am about to say be considered as factual, or even a rumor of any kind. It’s purely speculation from the confines of my living room couch.

Still, I’d be SHOCKED if there weren’t more to the Broxton trade than what we’re being told (that he’s just here to be a solid eighth inning guy who can spell Chapman in the ninth, on occasion.)

It’s just too out of left field to not mean more.

If the Marshall deal taught us anything, it’s that Walt’s eye is always on the future. Which is why I predict that in the next couple months Broxton gets the Marshall treatment. That is, a contract extension aimed toward signing a top-level talent at an affordable price (he makes only $4 million this year.)

Broxton becomes the closer, Marshall is freed up to punish lefties in the eighth inning for years to come, and Logan Ondrusek, Nick Masset, and Jose Arredondo team up to take care of the rest. All with the goal of putting Chapman in the rotation, where he immediately becomes one of the top five starters in the league and a perennial Cy Young candidate.

In the short time he’s been here, I’ve learned to trust Walt Jocketty.

Just as he did with Cardinals, he’s constantly made moves that promote and sustain success. Acquiring Scott Rolen was one. Trusting in unproven youngsters like Zack Cozart and Todd Frazier was another. Trading for Sean Marshall was a third.

For now, Jonathan Broxton becomes just another in a line of near-unhittable setup men. A cog in the dominant machine we’ve all come to adore. But soon enough that crew will wave goodbye to Chapman, it’s leader and champion, and someone new will need to emerge. Don’t be surprised if that man is Broxton; not just for next year, but for the next three.

Knowing what we do about Walt, it just makes sense.

Reed Domer-Shank

JOURNEYMEN President and Chief Prognosticator