I never thought anything on God’s green Earth could make me feel like football does. As much as my heart will always be owned by the Reds, and as much as I enjoy watching Thad Matta donkey punch the rest of the Big Ten basketball field, the feelings surrounding football season are just different. Maybe it’s the fact that football is so concentrated; 16 games (less in college), and then it’s over. Wham, bam, thank ya’ dudes all over America. Or, maybe it’s some combination of the fall leaves, the chili tailgates, and the social acceptability of going all Incredible Hulk on your living room TV. Chances are, it’s a combo of all these things. But, for a moment, let’s concentrate on the first.
Every September, football comes like a gift down every fan’s figurative chimney, delivered by fat men in red (and green, blue black, etc.) uniforms, shiny and brand new. We decorate our houses inside and out, we make special foods, sing special songs, and generally get all puffed up with excitement that this year (maybe, just MAYBE!), love will surround us and peace will spread across the land.
And then, just like that, January is here. And for most of us, that means another nine months in the cocoon of sports despair. The end of football season, to put it plainly, is the ABSOLUTE WORST. Painful, even, to the point where i sometimes (when it’s raining and I’ve had a few glasses of Cabernet) I wonder if it’s all worth it. Yes, each game is like a celebration. Yes, tossing pigskin ducks in the street at halftime to your buddy who’s three beers deep and wearing a faded Tim Krumrie jersey is more therapeutic than three hours of hot yoga. But when it’s all over and you’ve got to fold up that flag, pack away those coasters, and bid farewell to another fleeting season, are the nine months of hangover really worth it?
I never thought my football conundrum would be paralleled in other areas of my life. I always assumed (read: hoped) I could keep those feelings perfectly siloed; packed away tightly. One solitary phenomenon, like the secret cross a superhero bears, so the rest of society can be safe from the mutants.
Up until now, I’ve been successful. Then came Game of Thrones.
Season 2 just ended, and I seriously feel like I just got a Brienne of Tarth rape-onoscopy. I mean, even during the season, when the credits would roll and I’d realize I had a another six days and 23 hours before I could jump back on the Wester-horse, I’d find myself feeling bitter. My post-episode thought process was always half “GodDANG this show is great” and half “Having to wait another week makes me hate EVERYTHING.” (Sprinkled, of course, with “Why can’t dire wolves be reeeeeeeallllll.”)
But today, as the ashes of Winterfell still float to the ground, my bitter index is through the roof. Simply put, I need more Game of Thrones, and I need it now. And unfortunately, unless I read the books (therefore tarnishing my next 8 years of show-watching) or break into George R.R. Martin’s house and force him to tell me a bedtime story, all I can really do is look back at the season that was, and pretend my next nine months won’t taste like horse heart.
Here are a few lasting impressions from what was a HELL of a season...
1) Tywin treating Joffrey like a King is just sad. Yeah, I get it. Monarchies are all about bloodlines, so 17-year old pixies like Joffrey will sometimes find themselves sitting on thrones. But seriously, in Episode 10, seeing the great Tywin Lannister (possibly the most powerful/ frightening man in Westeros) call his dandy of a nephew “your grace” is almost unbelievable. Consider that the Game of Thrones is made up of about 18 different forces, all vying to literally just TAKE the Iron Throne on the strength of their ships and armies and dragons and whatever else. You’re telling me that the “finder’s keepers” rule applies to everyone EXCEPT the dude who’s been rumored to kill babies and sodomize farm animals? (Ok, I might have made that last one up.) Having not read the books, the only scenario that makes any sense at all is that Tywin doesn’t actually WANT the crown, after all. That he’s perfectly content to sit in his tower, scarfing any meat besides mutton (he hates mutton), and counting all of his cash. Wait a minute... maybe he’s onto something. That sounds f%cking awesome.
2) Sophie Turner NAILED Sansa Stark. Not like that, you sicko. Seriously, let’s analyze the gamut of emotions Turner’s been asked to portray in her on-screen illustration of Winterfell’s favorite spoiled brat. First, she’s asked to be head over heels for Joffrey, which she does flawlessly. Even when we all knew it was a terrible idea, and even when it got her damn dire wolf killed, she was still convincingly wet for the boy prince. Then Joffrey started being Joffrey, and Turner mastered the glassy-eyed resignation of someone who knows they’re betrothed to a one-balled sadist. And finally, throughout Season 2, Turner masterfully sprinkled in moments of convincing rebelliousness. Where, if you listen hard enough, she’s mocking Joffrey and everything he stands 5’2 for, even though her words shower him with butterscotch and giggles. All from an actress who can’t legally drink the wine that Cersei is shoving down her throat. Impressive.
3) Peter Dinklage and Alfie Allen will battle for an Emmy. Dinklage for his battle face in Episode 9 (Blackwater), Allen for his Come To Jesus talk with the Maester in Episode 10 (Valor Morghulis). In Blackwater, Dinklage made us believe that, even though he planted a ton of combustible chemicals in the bay, and even though he lured Stannis Baratheon’s whole fleet into said bay so they could be Hiroshima’d, the whole affair still didn’t quite sit right. Portraying Tyrion Lannister (the loveable, conniving midget), Dinklage spent an hour commanding Lannister troops and our attention, switching from remorse to pain to fear to rage (and often back to fear) seamlessly. The Battle of Blackwater Bay was a defining moment in the story, and Dinklage brought it to life.
One episode later, Alfie Allen completely blows the plight of Theon Greyjoy (the traitorous vagabond whose own family can’t stand him) right off the screen. As he stews in his chambers in Winterfell (the place he grew up, then left, then took hostage...ya’ know, whatever), being driven batty by the incessant horn blowing of the 500 Stark bannermen posted up outside the walls, he’s engaged by old Maester Luwin. As Luwin attempts to talk him off his figurative ledge, Theon smolders in front of the fire in full-on realization mode. He knows he’s been betrayed by his father, he knows he’s burned any bridges he may have had with the northerners, and most of all, he knows he’s totally fucked. Allen ties all those emotions together for the next few minutes, and ultimately manages to achieve the impossible. That is, when all’s said and done, we actually feel bad for him. He’s a smarmy, slimy, confused piece of goose poop...but we just can’t help it. Well done.
4) Theon Greyjoy falls in the “Just Please Die” rankings. Not that anyone could ever unseat Joffrey, who’s got a veritable stranglehold on the top spot, but Theon’s pity party at Winterfell really put some distance between the two. Whereas Joffrey spent the last two episodes getting mindfucked by Sansa, abandoning his own troops in battle, and calling off his betrothal in favor of an older/hotter chick (can’t really fault him there), Theon did something he’s never done before, which was make a few points that made us all say “mmmmmhmmm that’s actually true.” I’d be pissed too if I’d been a captive my whole life but was expected to act grateful. And if my brothers were dead and my pops/sister barely acknowledged my existence? Yeah, I’d probably be a bit tweaked. Not saying the Ironborn step-child is going to win any Purple Hearts, but it’s safe to say I wouldn’t spit on him if he walked by, which wouldn’t have been true a couple weeks ago.
5) The burning of Winterfell didn’t get enough play. There aren’t many teams to root for in this twisted, mangled world (a point I’ll unpack later). But if there’s any wagon to hitch to, it’s surely that of the Starks. They’re nice. They’re honest. And they’re damn good lucking to boot. (Except YOU, RICKON. You UGLAAY!) So, when the Ironborn soldiers/the Stark bannermen traitors burned down Winterfell (it’s still unclear what happened there), I couldn’t help but think that I SHOULD have been more upset. After all, Winterfell was the setting for much of Season 1. It’s where we met some of the most pivotal characters on either side of the plot divide, and it’s where we first discovered how enchanting doggystyle tower sex really can be. But, for whatever reason, the producers barely allowed us a few quick seconds of camera panning to take in the Winterfell remains. No dead villagers. No weepy Bran. No flashbacks of Ned giving his kids rodeo rides on his knee. I want to root for the Starks, gosh-darnit, but I’m GONNA’ NEED A LITTLE HELP.
6) Brienne vs The Hound would be GOOD TV. When the hulking Brienne of Tarth (an oak of a woman) set out to transport Jaime Lannister back to Kings Landing, she was peppered by her prisoner with challenges and taunts. A women, Lannister implied, would be no match for his particular set of skills. Then about two scenes later, Brienne did her best to silence the chatty Lannister, laying the smack down on three less than virtuous Stark flunkies and shoving a broad sword directly into one guy’s rumplemintz. This display certainly gave Jaime pause (I think he might even be starting to like her...OoooOoOoOO), but it also got me thinking about what a Brienne/Hound super smackdown would look like. Both are like seven feet tall. Both seem to get enjoyment out of shoving blades in people’s gizzards. And most importantly, both seem to harbor the rage of about 20 years of people calling them hideous. I think I’m going with the Hound on the basis of strength, but I also wouldn’t be shocked if Brienne sent the Hound off with his tail (or her sword) between his legs.
7) WTF Happened to the Hound, anyway? The last episode of Season 2 did a great job of addressing a lot of outstanding issues, especially after Blackwater, an episode that never left one locale. However, one hanging chad that never got a glance was the whole “what’s the Hound going to do now that he renounced the King” issue. The way I see it, he doesn’t have many options. He literally said “fuck the King” TO the King, so he can’t stay put, and he has to go where none of the King’s cronies are (probably North). However, I’m not sure he can join up with the Stark crew, as he probably burned that bridge awhile back. And he could go to the Wall, I guess, but something tells me sitting around in the cold with a bunch of rapists and criminals who can’t fight wouldn’t sit well. He’d be raping f#cking corpses by week two.
8) The Game of Thrones quandary. So much of this show is about the construction of different factions, warring against one another in pursuit of the same metal chair. It’s pretty easy to root for the Starks, but beyond that, are we really rooting for ANYONE? Let’s see...the Lannisters? they all basically breakfast with Satan every morning, so, no. Stannis? He’s a steely soldier-robot who hired a necromancer to do his dirty work/pop shadow-assassins out of her lady-cupboard. No thanks. The Greyjoys? Besides the fact that Theon the Sniveler is one of them (automatically drops them down about 17 rungs), they live by the motto “we do not sow”, which basically means “we’ll take whatever the F we want, whenever the F we want.” Talk about a terrible role model for young children. And finally, do we really want to pull for the Khaleesi? Let’s face it: all those faceless/nameless subjects she has “waiting for her” when she returns? Pretty sure they don’t exist. She’s gonna’ come back on a small ship with about four Dothraki warriors and Stannis is going to hand her her shorts. Just watch.
9) Khaleesi DID get powerful, though. And fast. Didn’t she? I mean yeah, she doesn’t have any soldiers. But those three dragon babies sure do seem to be growing up quickly, eh? For my part, I thought it was a little far-fetched that about three weeks ago the Three Dragoneers could barely cough out smoke, but then somehow were able to pyro-size the House of the Undying proprietor. Like, they really torched him. And all Daenerys had to do was kind of look at them and say a word (was that English? Dothraki? Draconian?) So I guess Khaleesi has a bit more going for her than we thought...but I refuse to root for a team that is comprised completely of inhuman beasts. That’s like entering Barbaro into a high school track meet. Where I come from, we call that cheating.
10) But if we’re picking sides, I choose Arya. Anyone who can successfully chase cats, slap the future king in his nancy back with a wooden sword, and stare into the eyes of Tywin Lannister without sharting is OK in my book. Arya’s done all these things, while standing about 4’7 and weighing 90 pounds. Ever since my buddy and I created the Game of Thrones Death Pool (detailed above), I’ve taken a particular interest in predicting which characters will be breathing at series end. Someone has to end up a winner, and although there’s no way Arya will end up on the throne (she’s a girl, plus she’d probably rather slow dance with a White Walker), my suspicion is that she’ll end up alive and well, content with whatever she’s doing (be it sword-fighting, face-changing, or generally making everyone around her look a little less cool).
So that’s it. My attempt at keeping the Game of Thrones party going, well after the keg was kicked, the cops had come, and that freshman ralphed on your parents’ duvet. I could go on like this for pages and pages (more pages and pages, I mean), but at some point you just have to let go.
These next nine months will be a struggle as we wait for the return of our heros. The road will be long, the perils many. But let’s take heart in knowing we still have eight seasons to go. Let’s not step off any ledges until the series finale approaches. Until then, we wait, in hopes that next April comes quicker than this one.
And until THEN? Well, I guess there’s always football.
Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Honcho and Warden of the East
Up until now, I’ve been successful. Then came Game of Thrones.
Season 2 just ended, and I seriously feel like I just got a Brienne of Tarth rape-onoscopy. I mean, even during the season, when the credits would roll and I’d realize I had a another six days and 23 hours before I could jump back on the Wester-horse, I’d find myself feeling bitter. My post-episode thought process was always half “GodDANG this show is great” and half “Having to wait another week makes me hate EVERYTHING.” (Sprinkled, of course, with “Why can’t dire wolves be reeeeeeeallllll.”)
But today, as the ashes of Winterfell still float to the ground, my bitter index is through the roof. Simply put, I need more Game of Thrones, and I need it now. And unfortunately, unless I read the books (therefore tarnishing my next 8 years of show-watching) or break into George R.R. Martin’s house and force him to tell me a bedtime story, all I can really do is look back at the season that was, and pretend my next nine months won’t taste like horse heart.
Here are a few lasting impressions from what was a HELL of a season...
1) Tywin treating Joffrey like a King is just sad. Yeah, I get it. Monarchies are all about bloodlines, so 17-year old pixies like Joffrey will sometimes find themselves sitting on thrones. But seriously, in Episode 10, seeing the great Tywin Lannister (possibly the most powerful/ frightening man in Westeros) call his dandy of a nephew “your grace” is almost unbelievable. Consider that the Game of Thrones is made up of about 18 different forces, all vying to literally just TAKE the Iron Throne on the strength of their ships and armies and dragons and whatever else. You’re telling me that the “finder’s keepers” rule applies to everyone EXCEPT the dude who’s been rumored to kill babies and sodomize farm animals? (Ok, I might have made that last one up.) Having not read the books, the only scenario that makes any sense at all is that Tywin doesn’t actually WANT the crown, after all. That he’s perfectly content to sit in his tower, scarfing any meat besides mutton (he hates mutton), and counting all of his cash. Wait a minute... maybe he’s onto something. That sounds f%cking awesome.
2) Sophie Turner NAILED Sansa Stark. Not like that, you sicko. Seriously, let’s analyze the gamut of emotions Turner’s been asked to portray in her on-screen illustration of Winterfell’s favorite spoiled brat. First, she’s asked to be head over heels for Joffrey, which she does flawlessly. Even when we all knew it was a terrible idea, and even when it got her damn dire wolf killed, she was still convincingly wet for the boy prince. Then Joffrey started being Joffrey, and Turner mastered the glassy-eyed resignation of someone who knows they’re betrothed to a one-balled sadist. And finally, throughout Season 2, Turner masterfully sprinkled in moments of convincing rebelliousness. Where, if you listen hard enough, she’s mocking Joffrey and everything he stands 5’2 for, even though her words shower him with butterscotch and giggles. All from an actress who can’t legally drink the wine that Cersei is shoving down her throat. Impressive.
3) Peter Dinklage and Alfie Allen will battle for an Emmy. Dinklage for his battle face in Episode 9 (Blackwater), Allen for his Come To Jesus talk with the Maester in Episode 10 (Valor Morghulis). In Blackwater, Dinklage made us believe that, even though he planted a ton of combustible chemicals in the bay, and even though he lured Stannis Baratheon’s whole fleet into said bay so they could be Hiroshima’d, the whole affair still didn’t quite sit right. Portraying Tyrion Lannister (the loveable, conniving midget), Dinklage spent an hour commanding Lannister troops and our attention, switching from remorse to pain to fear to rage (and often back to fear) seamlessly. The Battle of Blackwater Bay was a defining moment in the story, and Dinklage brought it to life.
One episode later, Alfie Allen completely blows the plight of Theon Greyjoy (the traitorous vagabond whose own family can’t stand him) right off the screen. As he stews in his chambers in Winterfell (the place he grew up, then left, then took hostage...ya’ know, whatever), being driven batty by the incessant horn blowing of the 500 Stark bannermen posted up outside the walls, he’s engaged by old Maester Luwin. As Luwin attempts to talk him off his figurative ledge, Theon smolders in front of the fire in full-on realization mode. He knows he’s been betrayed by his father, he knows he’s burned any bridges he may have had with the northerners, and most of all, he knows he’s totally fucked. Allen ties all those emotions together for the next few minutes, and ultimately manages to achieve the impossible. That is, when all’s said and done, we actually feel bad for him. He’s a smarmy, slimy, confused piece of goose poop...but we just can’t help it. Well done.
4) Theon Greyjoy falls in the “Just Please Die” rankings. Not that anyone could ever unseat Joffrey, who’s got a veritable stranglehold on the top spot, but Theon’s pity party at Winterfell really put some distance between the two. Whereas Joffrey spent the last two episodes getting mindfucked by Sansa, abandoning his own troops in battle, and calling off his betrothal in favor of an older/hotter chick (can’t really fault him there), Theon did something he’s never done before, which was make a few points that made us all say “mmmmmhmmm that’s actually true.” I’d be pissed too if I’d been a captive my whole life but was expected to act grateful. And if my brothers were dead and my pops/sister barely acknowledged my existence? Yeah, I’d probably be a bit tweaked. Not saying the Ironborn step-child is going to win any Purple Hearts, but it’s safe to say I wouldn’t spit on him if he walked by, which wouldn’t have been true a couple weeks ago.
5) The burning of Winterfell didn’t get enough play. There aren’t many teams to root for in this twisted, mangled world (a point I’ll unpack later). But if there’s any wagon to hitch to, it’s surely that of the Starks. They’re nice. They’re honest. And they’re damn good lucking to boot. (Except YOU, RICKON. You UGLAAY!) So, when the Ironborn soldiers/the Stark bannermen traitors burned down Winterfell (it’s still unclear what happened there), I couldn’t help but think that I SHOULD have been more upset. After all, Winterfell was the setting for much of Season 1. It’s where we met some of the most pivotal characters on either side of the plot divide, and it’s where we first discovered how enchanting doggystyle tower sex really can be. But, for whatever reason, the producers barely allowed us a few quick seconds of camera panning to take in the Winterfell remains. No dead villagers. No weepy Bran. No flashbacks of Ned giving his kids rodeo rides on his knee. I want to root for the Starks, gosh-darnit, but I’m GONNA’ NEED A LITTLE HELP.
6) Brienne vs The Hound would be GOOD TV. When the hulking Brienne of Tarth (an oak of a woman) set out to transport Jaime Lannister back to Kings Landing, she was peppered by her prisoner with challenges and taunts. A women, Lannister implied, would be no match for his particular set of skills. Then about two scenes later, Brienne did her best to silence the chatty Lannister, laying the smack down on three less than virtuous Stark flunkies and shoving a broad sword directly into one guy’s rumplemintz. This display certainly gave Jaime pause (I think he might even be starting to like her...OoooOoOoOO), but it also got me thinking about what a Brienne/Hound super smackdown would look like. Both are like seven feet tall. Both seem to get enjoyment out of shoving blades in people’s gizzards. And most importantly, both seem to harbor the rage of about 20 years of people calling them hideous. I think I’m going with the Hound on the basis of strength, but I also wouldn’t be shocked if Brienne sent the Hound off with his tail (or her sword) between his legs.
7) WTF Happened to the Hound, anyway? The last episode of Season 2 did a great job of addressing a lot of outstanding issues, especially after Blackwater, an episode that never left one locale. However, one hanging chad that never got a glance was the whole “what’s the Hound going to do now that he renounced the King” issue. The way I see it, he doesn’t have many options. He literally said “fuck the King” TO the King, so he can’t stay put, and he has to go where none of the King’s cronies are (probably North). However, I’m not sure he can join up with the Stark crew, as he probably burned that bridge awhile back. And he could go to the Wall, I guess, but something tells me sitting around in the cold with a bunch of rapists and criminals who can’t fight wouldn’t sit well. He’d be raping f#cking corpses by week two.
8) The Game of Thrones quandary. So much of this show is about the construction of different factions, warring against one another in pursuit of the same metal chair. It’s pretty easy to root for the Starks, but beyond that, are we really rooting for ANYONE? Let’s see...the Lannisters? they all basically breakfast with Satan every morning, so, no. Stannis? He’s a steely soldier-robot who hired a necromancer to do his dirty work/pop shadow-assassins out of her lady-cupboard. No thanks. The Greyjoys? Besides the fact that Theon the Sniveler is one of them (automatically drops them down about 17 rungs), they live by the motto “we do not sow”, which basically means “we’ll take whatever the F we want, whenever the F we want.” Talk about a terrible role model for young children. And finally, do we really want to pull for the Khaleesi? Let’s face it: all those faceless/nameless subjects she has “waiting for her” when she returns? Pretty sure they don’t exist. She’s gonna’ come back on a small ship with about four Dothraki warriors and Stannis is going to hand her her shorts. Just watch.
9) Khaleesi DID get powerful, though. And fast. Didn’t she? I mean yeah, she doesn’t have any soldiers. But those three dragon babies sure do seem to be growing up quickly, eh? For my part, I thought it was a little far-fetched that about three weeks ago the Three Dragoneers could barely cough out smoke, but then somehow were able to pyro-size the House of the Undying proprietor. Like, they really torched him. And all Daenerys had to do was kind of look at them and say a word (was that English? Dothraki? Draconian?) So I guess Khaleesi has a bit more going for her than we thought...but I refuse to root for a team that is comprised completely of inhuman beasts. That’s like entering Barbaro into a high school track meet. Where I come from, we call that cheating.
10) But if we’re picking sides, I choose Arya. Anyone who can successfully chase cats, slap the future king in his nancy back with a wooden sword, and stare into the eyes of Tywin Lannister without sharting is OK in my book. Arya’s done all these things, while standing about 4’7 and weighing 90 pounds. Ever since my buddy and I created the Game of Thrones Death Pool (detailed above), I’ve taken a particular interest in predicting which characters will be breathing at series end. Someone has to end up a winner, and although there’s no way Arya will end up on the throne (she’s a girl, plus she’d probably rather slow dance with a White Walker), my suspicion is that she’ll end up alive and well, content with whatever she’s doing (be it sword-fighting, face-changing, or generally making everyone around her look a little less cool).
So that’s it. My attempt at keeping the Game of Thrones party going, well after the keg was kicked, the cops had come, and that freshman ralphed on your parents’ duvet. I could go on like this for pages and pages (more pages and pages, I mean), but at some point you just have to let go.
These next nine months will be a struggle as we wait for the return of our heros. The road will be long, the perils many. But let’s take heart in knowing we still have eight seasons to go. Let’s not step off any ledges until the series finale approaches. Until then, we wait, in hopes that next April comes quicker than this one.
And until THEN? Well, I guess there’s always football.
Reed Domer-Shank
JOURNEYMEN Honcho and Warden of the East
Nah man, they've said multiple times that it's the Hand of the King who actually rules. Tywin can let the shitpatty Joffrey take the fall for decisions even when it will be Tywin influencing every decision. Just like Cersei influenced Joffrey until midway through season 2, Tywin will bitchslap Joffrey into obedience. Joffrey's just a Queen Elizabeth, Tywin is the puppet master.
ReplyDeleteGreat point actually. Tywin definitely sees the background as a better setting to rule than the throne itself. At least now Joffrey might make some smart decisions.
ReplyDelete