|Possibly the scariest-looking dude ever.|
But as baseball fans in Cincinnati, Philadelphia, and Boston can attest, losing is NEVER fun. It consumes you. It can haunt your dreams. It makes every day feel like the damn Pit of Despair, from The Princess Bride.
So, in times of desperation, we’re forced to shift our focus.
Here’s the second installment of The Week That Was, a celebration of everything completely absurd from the wide world of sports.
A Bengals cheerleader and Cincinnati-area high school teacher was arrested for having sexual relations with a student, which is about as surprising as a Jets cheerleader talking really loudly about great their halftime show is going to be , or a Browns cheerleader never really succeeding at anything ever.
Top basketball recruit Nerlens Noel committed to Kentucky by shaving the UK symbol into the back of his head, bringing new meaning to that “don’t worry about class” athletic department memo.
New York Jets lineman Matt Slauson gave his take on the team’s quarterback situation, saying the Jets will look like “two different teams”, depending on if Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow is under center. For the record, It’s still up in the air which one will be “really bad”, and which one will be “goddamn awful.” Slauson added that the new offense will be geared toward Sanchez’ strength, which is “running the ball.” Overall, just a really productive day for Slauson.
Dallas Mavericks guard Delonte West was fined for delivering a wet willy to Utah forward Gordon Hayward. Sooooo...I guess we have to start with this: WHAT??? I mean, every NBA player has an arsenal of ways to retaliate against someone who just pissed them off, ESPECIALLY dumbasses like Delonte West. But a wet willy? What exactly was the thought process there? “Hmmm...elbow to the back? Nahhh, that shit’s been done. Call him a little bitch as I walk by?? Nahhh, nahhh, way too unsatisfying. OH snap, I GOT IT! I’mma stick my finger in this kid’s ear....now THAT’s ganksta!” West declined to appeal the League’s $25,000 fine, stating that his actions set a bad example for “the kids.” If I were him, I’d have taken the opposite approach. “Yes, your honor, I DID initiate the wet willy. But, being that I’ve been arrested multiple times for transgressions involving drugs and/or loaded artillery , I think sticking my wet finger in a white dude’s ear is a great exhibition of progress. Especially cuz’, let’s face it, I very easily could have just banged his mom.”
Continuing with the “things really smart people do” theme, ex-Florida guard Erving Walker was arrested for stealing a taco from a food truck. As punishment, the court settled on a $301 fine, despite the prosecution’s insistence that Walker be “wet willied.”
ESPN debuted an investigative report, indicating that at least half the players on the Oregon football team smoke marijuana. A subsequent study is expected soon, conducted by JOURNEYMEN Worldwide and called “Do we really need an investigative report to tell us that people smoke pot in Oregon?”
The Cleveland Cavaliers mascot was hospitalized, after engaging in a pre-game mock fight with Pacers forward David West. While West expressed his surprise at “Moondog’s” lack of fortitude, Cavs executives declined comment, except to mutter something about dogs taking on the characteristics of their owners.
A Texas-based apparel store drew SEC fans into a frenzy when it messed up the geography on a new t-shirt design. Intended to show all the states represented in the conference, the Aggileland Outfitters design added North Carolina (not an SEC state) and (somehow) omitted their home state of Texas. The massive public response to the mistake was surprising, mainly because it was proof that football fans from the South actually do know how to use computers.
The NHL Playoffs began, flooding bars everywhere with chubby bearded guys who only order Mountain Dew. Or at least that’s how I imagine it.
A settlement was reached in a lawsuit involving Nissan and former Saints running back Deuce Mcallister. On the hook for over one million dollars in defaulted payments, part of Mcallister’s defense was that he was a “young professional athlete, inexperienced in the motor vehicle sales business.” In other words, if you’re ever in hot water with the law, it’s now apparently completely OK to invoke the “but your honor, everyone knows I’m an idiot” clause. Thanks, Deuce.
The Alabama football parent who accidentally knocked over the Tide’s National Championship trophy, causing the crystal ball to shatter, apparently “doesn’t know how it happened.” This has to come as welcome news to all the ‘Bama fans who expected him to say: “Yes, I actually had this planned for weeks. In addition to the detailed blueprints and layout schema I pilfered from the school library, I was able to plant a fuse in the bottom left quadrant of the trophy case and link it to a timer in my backpack. I then staged an elaborate diversion involving two university lunch ladies, a 10-person student tour, and three opportunistic campus squirrels.” We can all breathe easier now, knowing that the proud parent of the team’s senior long snapper didn’t purposely obliterate what probably represents the greatest accomplishment in his family’s history.
And Finally, the Bobby Petrino fiasco got worse in Arkansas, as it was discovered that the head coach’s ongoing relationship with a young, blonde staffer included a $20,000 gift. Petrino’s affair with the 25-year old Jessica Dorrell began over a year ago, with what Petrino recently described as “just a kiss.” Oh, REALLY Bobby? Your affair with the bombshell who’s half your age didn’t start with you shagging her froggy-style on the fifty-yard line? You’re a saint!
That’s all for me. Happy Monday, sports fans.
JOURNEYMEN founder and Head of Taco Security