In the history of the United States of America, there’s only ever been two kinds of people. The kind that enjoy politics, and the kind that don’t. There’s never been an in between, and there never will be.
I fall very firmly into the latter category. Like, so far into that category that if the category were a hole in your backyard, I’d be China. Not because I don’t love America, or want it to be a better place. And not because I’m lazy. Instead, it’s because I have a very specific creed in life, which goes like this: do things that make you happy.
Some will say I’m ignoring my civic duty by eschewing politics in favor of other “less substantial” hobbies (sports, swords, tacos), but I see it differently. In my opinion, it’s my duty as an American to capitalize on the freedom my forefathers worked so hard to guarantee. Last time I checked, my birth certificate pretty much guaranteed my right to pursue happiness. It didn’t say anything about monitoring gubernatorial races or posting slanderous memes on Facebook.
So, with that in mind, you’ll forgive me for not knowing much about the huge thing that’s happening on Capitol Hill right now. Or, more appropriately, the huge thing that’s NOT happening. However, from what I can tell, tensions between Democrats and Republicans have gotten so contentious that a bunch of people (who, by the way, are paid by taxpayers to solve problems) have just decided to sit at home and watch Netflix.
A quick jaunt through any Facebook feed on the planet will yield a bunch of angst and unrest concerning this development. People aren’t happy. Some are downright pissed. Well, like i said before, I’m not one to venture into these waters very often, but i have to be honest on this one…
...I side with the politicians.
(...confirms that he’s not in danger of being lynched…)
I don’t want to imply that I agree with the moral ground Congress is standing on (I have no idea what it is), or that the issues aren’t important (not sure what they are either). What I’m saying is that sometimes LIFE IS HARD, people, and sometimes it feels good to just shut the hell down. I mean damn, even C-3PO, arguably the most handsome and beloved literary character of the modern era, had to cock his head to the side sometimes and conk out for awhile.
Be honest...doesn't it feel good to check out sometimes? For me, there are some situations where it not only feels good, it’s downright impossible to do anything else. For example…
That last bit of a workday. I call it the “point of no return”. It comes at different times on different days, but it always happens the same way. There comes a point where you look at the clock at the lower righthand corner of your computer screen, say to yourself “WELP THAT’S IT,” and proceed to do absolutely dick for the rest of the day. The only thing that can snap you out of this type of shutdown is a phone call from the boss, which inevitably comes three seconds before you’d planned to slither out the fire exit.
When I get to the gym and realize I forgot my headphones. Working out without music is pure torture. My arms immediately become Twizzlers, and the treadmill feels like a giant pit of tapioca pudding. I’d seriously rather tunnel through the Great Wall of China with a spoon. Luckily, I promised myself long ago that, should I ever find myself at the gym with no access to tunes, I have license to not only leave immediately, but also stop at Cold Stone on the way home.
When a season of Game of Thrones ends. Google-image “rotting human skeleton.” That’s how I feel when GoT ends. I immediately retreat into my cocoon of sorrow, emerging sporadically to eat meatball hoagies and send George R.R. Martin direct Twitter messages.
When I really have to pee. Judge me if you want, but life would be so much better if it were socially acceptable for adults to pee their pants. It used to be that I could hold it for hours. Now, if 20 minutes goes by and no restroom is available I begin to start seriously considering alternative options, most of which are disgusting, some of which will get me arrested. Ask anyone with this affliction and they’ll tell you the same thing: once you get that feeling, it’s ALL YOU FEEL. I could be in line at the bank with a million-dollar lottery check in my hand, but the moment I feel that push on my bladder, life immediately has no meaning. I constantly live with the fear that someday in the not-too-distant future, I’m going to have to ACTUALLY soil myself in public. In fact, I’ve already kind of planned it out. I’ll start by just peeing really slowly down my leg, in hopes that a weak stream will somehow direct the urine straight towards the Earth, rather than allowing it to create a massive Pangea stain on my jeans. Then, assuming there isn’t a nearby fire alarm to pull, I’ll probably just punch whoever I’m with directly in the face. With any luck, their vision will be temporarily blurred, if not gone forever, and they’ll have no memory of the swamp that has surfaced by my groin. Finally, as I’m making my escape from the area, I’ll pick the most unfortunate-looking dude in sight, point at him, and yell OH MY GOD THAT GUY JUST SHIT HIS PANTS. At best, everyone will be completely fooled by my diversion and focus totally on the pants-shitter. At worst, they’ll do what any reasonable human being would do, which is to weigh his pants-shitting against my pants-peeing, in which case they’ll obviously decide to focus all ridicule on him, allowing me to emerge relieved, healthy, and extremely satisfied.
The Week 5 JDL Recap - SHUTDOWN SPECIAL Edition
WeTakesWhatWeWants (Jen) -vs- THE MACHINE (Tim) - For the second week in a row, Jen’s team has been exactly who Denny Green thought they were. Against Tim’s high-powered squad, they were dragged through the grass and left for dead. That’s the bad news. The good news? In the pantheon of “things that are important to Jen”, fantasy football hovers somewhere between zoning ordinances in communist Russia and the well-being of the mosquitos in our backyard.
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: Tom Brady, Jen’s QB, who was handed his worst day in six years by America’ Team (the Bengals).
THE MACHINE (4-1) - 91
WeTakesWhatWeWants (3-2) - 64
Cromartie’s Kids (Howard) -vs- Goon Squad (Don) - Prior to this week, Don was ready to trade me his whole team for a pack of that gum that changes flavors the longer you chew it. Now it appears things have changed, seeing as he’s currently basking in the longest winning streak in his franchise’s history (1).
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: The Houston defense, which netted Howard exactly zero (0) points.
Goon Squad (1-4) - 93
Cromartie’s Kids (1-4) - 62
Luck Dynasty (Elise) -vs- Urban Achievers (Glen) - Normally, over the course of a week, Elise-owned teams manage to put up 200 points, deliver 17 babies, and cure several strands of cancer. This week, however, she put up a paltry 86. Luckily for her she was playing Glen, who tends to struggle against teams that have players.
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: Glen himself, who decided to start Rashad Jennings over Ray Rice.
Luck Dynasty (4-1) - 86
Urban Achievers (1-4) - 75
Wrinkled Brown Stars (Spaz) -vs- Slumdog Milliners (Jake) - You know what must feel like a massive roundhouse kick to the grundle? Losing because your top draft pick/star running back gets outscored by his backup. Luckily for Spaz (and CJ Spiller), he won’t have to worry about that, because his bonehead loss was a result of him starting a guy on a bye (Doug Martin), and another guy who I’m pretty sure doesn’t even play football. (Seriously, who the F is Marlon Brown, and what college does he run indoor track for?)
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: Marques Colston, who managed 1 point despite being on the f***ing Saints.
Slumdog Milliners (3-2) - 118
Wrinkled Brown Stars (2-3) - 89
Gem City Juicers (Drew) -vs- HandFullOfChunt (Chunt) - Another week, another miserable, embarrassing, “you better examine your whole existence before you wake up tomorrow in a gutter eating a bag of soggy Wonder Bread” loss for Chunt. Once the undisputed champion/overlord of the JDL, Chunt has all but slipped into utter obscurity. Somehow, he’s managed to lead Adrian Peterson, Arian Foster, and Peyton -fracking-Manning to a 3-2 record. Honestly, the main reason I’ve taken so long to publish this blog post is I’ve been trying to devise a nice way of telling him he’s kicked out of the league, on account of his obvious ineptitude. I’m hoping he accepts the JDL’s first golden parachute, which will consist of 4 dollars, a bag of Funyuns, and my old Discman.
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: Andre Johnson, who was probably hindered by Matt Schaub’s insistence on throwing screen passes into the stands.
Gem City Juicers (3-2) - 105
HandFullOfChunt (3-2) - 103
6 Points 4 Griffin-Dor (Me) -vs- IpoopNurSoup (Brent) - I happened to run into Brent the other day on my way home from work. Seeing this big, silver truck pull up next to me on a one-lane street, my initial reaction was to wonder who this jackass was and why God would see fit to carjack me. Luckily it was just Brent, so I hopped out and shut down traffic for a few minutes so we could shoot the breeze. As he was leaving, he yelled back something about how good his fantasy team was looking, and how he was pretty much the top team in the league. Well Brent, you just got smoked by a team that can barely carry its playbook, let alone read it. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK BEFORE YOU BLOCK THE BIKE LANE, DICK.
SHUTDOWN SPECIAL: Victor Cruz, who rated negative-seven on the Salsa Scale.
6 Points 4 Griffin-Dor (2-3) - 80
IPoopNurSoup (3-2) - 68
That’s it for this week. Tune in next time, where I’ll tell more bad jokes and Chunt might literally sue me for libel.